初二英语搞笑短文

1,Two birls Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老师：请说说看。 学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。 2. The Fish Net "Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?" "A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl. 鱼网 "你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。 "把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。 3. The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. "George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. "I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....." 新老师 9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。 "乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。 "妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。" 4. A physics Examination Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard. The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls? Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears. 一次物理考试 在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。 这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？ 尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief. "Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?" 伟大的猎手Jonesie 有个小村庄正为一只吃人的狮子而烦恼。于是，村长派人去请伟大的猎手Jonesie来杀死这只野兽。 猎手躺着等了几个晚上，但狮子一直没有出现。最后，他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他。把羊皮披在身上后，猎人到草原上去等狮子。 半夜，村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒。他们小心地靠近后，看到猎手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹。 “Jonesie，怎么了？狮子在哪？”村长问。 “哪有狮子！”猎人怒吼道，“哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了？”

The World's Greatest Swordsman At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman. His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile. "Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!" "Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father." 世界上最伟大的击剑手 在一场世界最佳击剑手表演中，排名第三的击剑手上场了。一只苍蝇放了出来，剑划了一个弧，他将苍蝇劈成了两半。观众欢呼起来。紧接着排名第二的人将一只苍蝇切成了四半。现场一阵沉默，人们期盼着世界上最伟大的击剑手出场。 他的剑锋以一个巨大的弧线划了下来－－然而那只昆虫还在继续飞行!观众被惊呆了。最伟大的击剑手完全错过了他的目标，然而他还在微笑着。 “你为什么这么高兴？”有人嚷道，“你没击中!” “啊，”剑手答道，“你刚才没有很仔细地看。苍蝇还活着，是的－－但他永远也做不成爸爸了。” ————————————————————————————————————————— A Mistake An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened." "Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene. "Where are the others?" asked a medic. "Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay." 搞错了 一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的门口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。“每人给我五百美元，”他说，“我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。” “成交!”美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。 “其他人在哪儿？”一名医生问道。 “我离开之前，”那名美国人说，“我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的政府来出这笔钱。” ———————————————————————————————————————— Pig or Witch A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen. 猪还是女巫 一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。 ————————————————————————————————————————— Response Ability An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee. When asked if that didn't constitute gambling, the minister replied, "It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity." Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: "Of course not. After all, I may be wrong." A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?" The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit." 答问技巧 衣阿华州奥格根的一位牧师正在与一位教友为一杯咖啡而猜硬币。别人问他那是否构成赌博行为时，牧师答道：“这仅仅是决定由谁来做一件善事的一种科学方法。” 当我人问哲学家罗素是否愿意为了他的信仰而献身时，他答道：“当然不会。毕竟，我可能会是错的。” 一份报纸组织了一场竞赛，为下面的问题征集最佳答案：“如果卢浮宫起了火，而你只能救出一幅画，你将救出哪一幅？” 获奖的答案是：“最接近门口的那一幅。” ———————————————————————————————————————— Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief. "Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?" 伟大的猎手Jonesie 有个小村庄正为一只吃人的狮子而烦恼。于是，村长派人去请伟大的猎手Jonesie来杀死这只野兽。 猎手躺着等了几个晚上，但狮子一直没有出现。最后，他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他。把羊皮披在身上后，猎人到草原上去等狮子。 半夜，村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒。他们小心地靠近后，看到猎手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹。 “Jonesie，怎么了？狮子在哪？”村长问。 “哪有狮子！”猎人怒吼道，“哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了？” ———————————————————————————————————————— Weather Predict A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken." 天气预报 一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说"明天下雨."第二天果然下雨了. 一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,"明天有风暴."果然,第二天下了雹暴. "印度人真神,"导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气. 几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了. 最后,导演派人去把他叫来了."我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,"导演说,"这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?" 印度人耸了耸肩."我不知道,"印度人说,"收音机坏了." —————————————————————————————————————————— I Am Acting Like a Lady One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women. He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed. "You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?" "Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady." 我要表现得象位女士 一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。 他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。 “你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗？” “听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。”

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笑话是民族文化及社会生活中不可缺少的一环,从古至今都拥有广大的受众,深受人们喜爱。我整理了英语搞笑小短文带翻译，欢迎阅读!

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening.

有两名社会工作者在晚上的时候走过市区的简陋地方。

They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane.Upon investigation,

他们听到从后巷传来的求救呻吟声和很小的哭喊声。经调查，

they found a semiconscious man in a pool of blood.

他们发现有一个意识不清的人躺在血泊之中。

"Help me,I've been mugged and viciously beaten ." he pleaded.

他在恳求说：“救救我吧，我被人行凶抢劫，还遭到恶意痛打一顿。”

The two social workers turned and walked away .

这两名社会工作者转身离去。

One remarked to her colleague: " You know the person that did this really needs help."

其中一位向她的同事说：“你知道吧，做这件事的人才是真正需要协助呀。”

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER.

有一名男子患有心脏病，被送往医院急诊室。

The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away.

医生告诉他，除非他立刻接受心脏移植，否则他就活不成。

Another doctor runs into the room and says,

另外一名，医生跑进急诊室说：

"you are in luck,two hearts just became avaible ,so you will get to choose which one you want.One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

“你真幸运，刚好有两个心脏可移植，所以你要选择你要哪一个心脏。一个是属于律师，另一个是属于社会工作者。”

The man quickly responds,"the attorney's ."

这名男子很快响应说：“律师的。”

The doctor says,"Wait!Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

医生说：“等等!你不想在你做决定之前了解一下他们吗?”

The man says,"I already know enough.We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his .So I will take attorney's!"

这名男子说：“我已经知道够了。大家都知道社会工作者都是流血的(有同情心的)心脏，而律师的心脏可能从来都不曾用过他的。所以我选择律师的心脏。"

Helen was on her deathbed ,

海伦躺在她临终的病床上奄奄一息。

with her husband Jack at her side.

她的丈夫陪在她的身旁。

He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.

他握着她冰冷的手，泪水静静地从他的脸上流下来。

Her pale lip moved. "Jack," she said,"

她苍白的嘴唇颤动着。她说：“杰克，”

Hush," he quickly interrupted, "Don't talk."

他很快就打断说：“嘘，不要说话。”

But she insisted,"Jack,"she said in her tired voice.

但是她坚持要说，她以疲惫的声音说：

"I have to talk.I must confess.”

“杰克，我一定要说。我必须向你坦白。”

"There is nothing to confess,"said the weeping Jack.

满脸泪水的杰克说：“没什么好坦白的。

"It's all right.Everything's all right."

没关系。一切都没事。”

"No,No!I must die in peace.I must confess,Jake ,that I have been unfaithful to you."

“不，不，我必须死得安心。我一定要坦白我对你不忠;红杏出墙。”

Jack stroked her hand .

杰克抚摸着她的手。

"Now ,Helen,don't be concerned.I know all about it," he sobbed.

他啜泣着说：“海伦 ，现在你不要担心了。我全部都知道了。

"Why else would I poison you ?"

不然我为什么要毒死你呀?"