英文笑话图片

I Wasn't AsleepWhen a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!""I wasn't asleep," the man answered."Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed.""I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car." 我没有睡着 当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！” “我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。 “没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？” “我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”The poor husband"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.可怜的丈夫“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”Does the dog know the proverb, too? The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog. "It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?" "Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?" 狗也知道这个谚语吗？ 一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。 “没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’” “啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”

、Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.老师：谁能回到我下一个问题，谁就可以回家了。One boy throws his bag out the window.一个小男孩把书包扔到窗外。Teacher: who just threw that?!老师：谁刚刚把书包扔出去了?Boy: Me! I’m going home now.男孩：我!我现在要回家了。2、What dog can jump higher than a building?什么狗比大楼跳的还高?Anydog, buildings can't jump!任何一只狗，大楼又跳不起来。3、What has a head, a tail, and no body?什么有头、有尾，但是没有身体?A coin!硬币。4、What has one eye but cannot see?什么有一只眼睛，却看不见?A needle.针。5、Wife: "How would you describe me?"妻子：你会怎么形容我呢?Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.Wife: "What does that mean?"妻子：那是什么意思?Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可爱的、令人愉悦的、优雅的、时髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"妻子：哇，谢谢，但是“IJK”是什么意思呢?Husband: "I'm just kidding!"丈夫：开个玩笑!6、Boy: Is this seat empty?男孩：这个座位是空的么？Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。7、My little dog can't read我的狗不识字Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”8、My Wife Will Exchange Them反正我太太明天会来换的A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.一位先生走进一家商店要买副手套。″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.“您是要布的还是皮的？”售货员问。″Makes no difference ″replied customer.“没什么区别。”这位顾客回答。″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.“那您要什么颜色的呢？”售货员又问。″Any″ he responded.“什么颜色都成。”他回答。″Size﹖″“号码呢？”″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″“您就随便给我拿一副吧，”这位顾客有点不耐烦了，“反正我太太明天都会来换的。”

1.What's the best day to eat fried fish and chips?那一天是最好的日子去吃炸鱼和薯片？Fry-Day (近似"friday")2.What's the best month to eat toast?那一个月是最好的月份去吃土司？Jam-uary(jam意为果酱，而jam-uary又近似january一月，所以答案为一月）3.What do you get if you eat too much dessert?当你吃太多的点心时你会得什么？A stomach-cake(本题答案想表达的是肚子痛，此答案和肚子痛stomach-ache相近）4.Monster school pupil: What are we cooking for lunch today?怪物学院学生：今天的午饭要煮什么？Monster school teacher: Shut up and go to the stove.怪物学院老师：闭嘴并去到撸子里。4. What's worse than finding a slug in your salad?有什麼比找到鼻涕虫塞在你的沙拉？A half slug.半个鼻涕虫。5.“waiter,waiter.There are some worms on my plate".服务员，服务员，我的盘子里有一些虫子！"I didn't see any worms.Those are your sausages.我并没有看到什么虫子,那些是你的香肠。6.Why did the man stare at the carton of orange juice？为什麼男人盯著橙汁纸箱？Because it said 'concentrate'.因为它说：“集中”。 7.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down? Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle. 妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？ 汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了8.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.' 这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”9.Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 10.I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

1)TOM'S EXCUSE Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow". 汤姆的借口 老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？ 汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。" DID YOUR DAD... 2)Tom call Jim's name:"I can't bear such a foolish!" and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!" 汤姆对着吉姆骂道:"我受不了你这个苯蛋了!" 吉姆说:"你妈妈能!" 附:bear 有两重意思:"生"和"忍受"这个笑话正是根据这点. 3)Tom call Jim's name:"I can't bear such a foolish!" and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!" 汤姆对着吉姆骂道:"我受不了你这个苯蛋了!" 吉姆说:"你妈妈能!" 附:bear 有两重意思:"生"和"忍受"这个笑话正是根据这点. 4)A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟." 5)Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches.When Tommy came back,mother asked him,”Did you buy a good box of matches?” “Yes,Mum.”Tommy replied,”I have tried them all.” 一盒小火柴 妈妈让汤米去马路对面的商店里买一盒好用的火柴。汤米回来后，妈妈问他，“你买的是好用的火柴吗？” “是的，妈妈。”汤米回答，“我把它们都试过了。” 6)Father:Uh,oh,I think I just made an illegal right-hand turn. Susie:That is okay ,dad,the policeman behind you just did the same thing! 开车 父亲：哎呀，我刚才违规右转弯了。 苏西：没事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也这么转了。 7)Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered. “You’er a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”Here are tow cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.” 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆。”他回答说。“你真是一个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说. “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” 8)Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,”What happened?” “A kid bit me,”replied Ivan. “Would you recognize him if you sew him again?”asked his mother. “I’d know him any where,”said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.” 他的耳朵在我的衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口。”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里。” 9)Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老师：请说说看。 学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

A:what is your name? 你叫啥名？B:Hu胡（谐音:谁）A:you~你B:Hu~胡A:Who?谁？B:yes, I am~是，我就是A:I want to know your name我只是想知道你的名字B:Hu胡啊A:You!你！B:Yes, my name是啊，我的名字啊A:So tell me about it那就告诉我啊B:Hu!胡！A:You! What is your name!? 你！你叫啥名？！B:Hu is my name!我就叫胡A:O~哦三 Expensive Price Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth. Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction. Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office. 昂贵的代价 牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。 母亲：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀？ 牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了 能让我们的老师回去吗？ 有一次，一位督学去视察一个只有三间教室的学校。一间教室非常吵闹，因此督学抓住其中一个正在站着说话的人，把他带进另一间教室，并让他站在墙角。五分钟以后，一个小男孩从第一间教室走进来，问道，“您什么时候能让我们的老师回去呢？” 二 Who's More Polite? A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace.When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it could mean?""You'll find out on Valentine's Day." he said with a knowing smile.On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package.Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".情人节前一天，一个女人做了个项链的梦。当她醒来，她和她丈夫说：“我刚梦到你情人节给了我一根珍珠项链。你说那是什么含义呢？”。“到情人节那天你就会知道了。”他笑着说。情人节那天，男人给了他老婆一个礼盒。她很兴奋地打开，看到的却是一本书，书名是《梦的解析》。

1、Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

老师：谁能回到我下一个问题，谁就可以回家了。

One boy throws his bag out the window.

一个小男孩把书包扔到窗外。

Teacher: who just threw that?!

老师：谁刚刚把书包扔出去了?

Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

男孩：我!我现在要回家了。

2、What dog can jump higher than a building?

什么狗比大楼跳的还高?

Anydog, buildings can't jump!

任何一只狗，大楼又跳不起来。

3、What has a head, a tail, and no body?

什么有头、有尾，但是没有身体?

A coin!

硬币。

4、What has one eye but cannot see?

什么有一只眼睛，却看不见?

A needle.

针。

5、Wife: "How would you describe me?"

妻子：你会怎么形容我呢?

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: "What does that mean?"

妻子：那是什么意思?

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可爱的、令人愉悦的、优雅的、时髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

妻子：哇，谢谢，但是“IJK”是什么意思呢?

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

丈夫：开个玩笑!

6、Boy: Is this seat empty?

男孩：这个座位是空的么？

Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。7、My little dog can't read我的狗不识字

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”8、My Wife Will Exchange Them

反正我太太明天会来换的

A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.

一位先生走进一家商店要买副手套。

″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.

“您是要布的还是皮的？”售货员问。

″Makes no difference ″replied customer.

“没什么区别。”这位顾客回答。

″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.

“那您要什么颜色的呢？”售货员又问。

″Any″ he responded.

“什么颜色都成。”他回答。

″Size﹖″

“号码呢？”

″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″“您就随便给我拿一副吧，”这位顾客有点不耐烦了，“反正我太太明天都会来换的。”