自创英语笑话

员工说老板我头流血了，老板说可是你头上没有血啊？于是员工拿起手里的键盘猛砸头，血便流了下来，老板说算你狠

people(p婆） Apple（A婆） pair（屁儿）还有一个军人哦，只是我忘了怎么写了，（so jer）

请采纳我的问题1、一个女生前一天晚上得到男朋友的订婚戒指，但竟没有一个同学注意到，令她忿忿不平。到下午大家坐着谈天的时候，她突然站起来大声说：“哎呀，这里真热呀，我看我还是把戒指脱下来吧。”2、女主人把女佣叫到面前问她：“你是否怀孕了？”“是啊！”女佣回道。“亏你还说得出口，你还没有结婚，难道不觉得害羞吗？”女主人再次训。“我为什么要害羞，女主人你自己不也怀孕了吗？”“可是我怀的是我丈夫的！”女主人生气地反驳。“我也是啊！”女佣高兴地附和。3、一个人骑摩托车喜欢反穿衣服，就是把口子在后面扣上，可以挡风。一天他酒后驾驶， 翻了，一头栽在路旁。警察赶到：警察甲：好严重的车祸。警察乙：是啊，脑袋都撞到后面去了。警察甲：嗯，还有呼吸，我们帮他把头转回来吧。警察乙：好.....一、二使劲，转回来了。警察甲：嗯，没有呼吸了.......4、在一条七拐八拐的乡村公路上，因为时常发生车祸，所以常常有一些鬼故事发生，有一天晚上，有一个出租车司机看见路边有一个长发披肩，身着白衣的女人向他招手，因为这个司机没有见过鬼，所以大胆的停下来让她上车了，这一路上,司机虽然不信有鬼，心里也毛毛的，所以时常从后视镜看后面的女人，开着开着，突然司机发现那个女人不见了！司机吓了一大跳，赶紧踩了一个刹车！只见那个女人满脸是血，表情狰狞。司机吓的牙直打颤。突然那女人开口了：“你会不会开车啊！我低头系个鞋带你突然一刹车我把鼻子都撞破了……”5、一个病人去看病，医生检查了他，皱着眉头说：“您病得太严重了，恐怕不会活多久了。” 病人：“求您告诉我我还能活多久？” 医生：“十……” 病人着急地问：“十什么？十年？？十个月？？？十天？？？？？” 医生：“十，九，八，七，六，五……”6、老师：“你能说一些18世纪科学家共同特点吗？”学生：“能，他们都死了。”7、犀粪蜣和蚊子谈恋爱，蜣问蚊子是做什么工作的，蚊子说：“护士，打针的。”蜣一拍大腿：“缘分呐，我是中药局搓药丸的…”8、一非洲人住在某一宾馆。夜半，起火，不明原因。非洲人见状顾不了那么许多，光着身子就跑出去了。消防员见状惊呼：“我的妈呀！都烧的糊了吧区的了还能跑那么快！”9、一个人想出国考察，但必须得到老总批准。于是他向老总请示，老总给了他一张字条，上面写着：“Go ahead”。 那人想：“Go ahead=前进，老总是批准了。”于是他开始打点行李。 一个同事见到了他问：“你在做什啊？？”他说：“我准备出国考察，老总批准了，给我写了‘Go ahead’。” 同事一见条就乐了：“咱们老总根本就没批准！！咱老总的英语水平你还不知道，他这是在说去个头！”10、牧师对买了他马和马车的农夫说：“这匹马只能听懂教会的语言，叫"感谢上帝"它就跑;叫"赞美上帝"它才停下。”农夫将信将疑，他试着喊了一声感谢上帝，那匹马立刻飞奔起来，越跑越快。一只跑到悬崖边上惊恐的农夫才想起让它停下来的口令“赞美上帝”。果然，马停下来了。死里逃生的农夫长出一口气：“感谢上帝………”我打了很久，请采纳1 the night before, a girl get boyfriend engagement ring, but no one noticed the classmate, make her antics. You sit and chat in the afternoon, she suddenly stood up and shouted: \"oh, it's really hot in here, I think I'd better take off your ring.\" 2, the mistress called the maid to ask her: \"are you pregnant?\" \"Yes!\" The maid answered. Export \"kui you still say, you are not married, don't you feel shy?\" The hostess training again. \"Why should I be shy, you don't the hostess also pregnant?\" \"But I conceive is my husband!\" The hostess retorted angrily. \"Me too!\" The maid happy to echo. 3, a man riding a motorcycle like the dress, is to cut on the back, can the wind. Drunk driving one day, he turned over, a planted on the road. Police: police a: a good serious car accident. Policeman b: yes, his head hit the back. Po1: well, still breathing, let's help him turn his head back. Po2: good... One, two, turn back. Policeman a: well, not breathing... 4, turn in a curvy country road, because often in a car accident, so often have some ghost story, one night, there's a taxi driver saw the side of the road have a long hair shawls, dressed in a white woman waved to him, because the driver didn't see a ghost, so bold stopped to let her get on the bus, along the way, the driver doesn't believe in ghosts, the in the mind also maomao, so often the woman behind the rearview mirror to see, open open, the driver found the woman suddenly disappeared! The driver startled, hurriedly stepped on a brake! I saw the woman face is blood, grim expression. The driver frighten of teeth chatter. Suddenly the woman spoke: \"would you drive! I bow to fasten shoelaces are you smashed through a sudden brake my nose...\" 5, a patient to see a doctor, the doctor examined him, frowning said: \"you too serious ill, I'm afraid I won't live much longer.\" Patient: \"please tell me how long will I live?\" Doctor: \"ten...\" Patient anxiously asked: \"what? Ten years?? Ten months??? Ten days?????\" Doctor: \"ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...\" 6, teacher: \"can you say some 18 th-century scientists common characteristics?\" Student: \"yes, they are all dead.\" 7, rhino poop Qiang and mosquito fall in love, Qiang asked a mosquito is to do what work, the mosquito said: \"nurse, give or take an injection.\" Qiang a clap a thigh: \"the fate, I am a traditional Chinese medicine bureau rub pills...\" 8, the africans live in a hotel. In the midnight, a fire, unknown reason. Before rushing so many africans, naked and ran out. Firefighters said exclaimed: \"my mama ah! All paste the burned area can run so fast!\" 9, a person wants to go abroad, but it must be approved by boss. So he to the manager for instructions, the boss gave him a note, it read: \"Go ahead\". The man thought, \"Go ahead = progress, boss is approved.\" So he started to packing. A colleague to see he asked: \"what are you doing?\" He said: \"I'm ready to Go abroad investigation, boss approved, wrote me 'Go ahead'.\" Colleague of joy at the sight of article: \"let's boss haven't approved!!!!! Our boss English don't you know, he is said to head!\" 10, priests to buy his horse and carriage of the farmer said, \"this horse can only understand the language of the church, call\" thank god \"it ran; called\" praise god \"it didn't stop.\" Farmer track, he tried to thank god gave a cry, the horse gallop, immediately ran faster and faster. A run to the edge of the cliff frightened farmer remembered that let it stop password \"praise god\". Sure enough, the horse stopped. Close the farmer grows a sigh: \"thank god.........\"I played for a long time, please

1.One day，Ultraman Tiga want to participants the Driver's license test。but he is so tension ， he saw the ground reads turn left ，he clinged to carefully and asked the invigilator：turn left? the invigilator sayed： right so he turn right . 3.Day, a new whimsical turns, "spider with legs is not listening to voices," he asked Horie wells, wells laugh without FOR Horie said: "to prove to you." The following day, Horie wells received 10% of the new report: Title: Spider is hearing voices instead of legs. Prove: spider on the table, shouting a "crawl" spider crawling hastily walk Spider legs will be added, shouting a "crawl" spider an apt Conclusion: The spider is hearing voices with legs.

1 too和two有一天小明不小心走路撞到一个外国人，他不好意思的说：「I am sorry.」「I am sorry,too.」外国人回答。「I am sorry three.」小明马上回道。「What are you sorry for？」外国人问。「I am sorry five…」小明说。2 关于模糊音.一家陕西人在纽约唐人街开了家餐馆，儿子当服务生，老妈管收钱，老爸做大厨。某一天，店里来了个老外，点了个套餐，吃到一半， " 咣当 " ，把汤碗打了。儿子跑过去看了一下，说： " 碗打了！ "老外想： " one dollar,... ..."老妈听见声音，也过来看，见地上有个破碗，问： " 谁打的？ "老外想： " three dollar?... ..."儿子说： " 他打的！ "老外想： " ten dollar?! ... ..."老妈又说： " 还得打一碗！ "老外想： " hundred and one?!?! ... ..."老爸正在厨房切菜，听见外面的声音，赶忙跑出来看怎么回事。忙乱中，忘了把菜刀放下。五大三粗的老爸，手持菜刀站在餐厅里，老外一看，心跳加速，血压急升，但更让他心碎加崩溃的是老爸的一番话。老爸对着正在加热炉上舀汤的儿子说： " 烫，少盛点儿！ "老外： " ten thousand?!!3 关于名字的谐音SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice.(场景) 椭圆形办公室, 乔治布什 和国家安全顾问康多里扎赖斯George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?布什: 康迪(赖斯)! 很高兴见到你,发生什么事情了?Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.赖斯:长官,我来向你汇报中国的新领导人George: Great. Let’s hear it.布什: 好极了,我们一起来听听!Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.赖斯:胡(谁)是中国的新领导人George: That’s what I want to know.布什:这就是我要知道的Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.赖斯:这就是我要告诉你的George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader ofChina?布什:这就是我要问你的,谁(胡)是中国的新领导人?Condi: Yes.赖斯:是的George: I mean the fellow’s name.布什:我是说那个人的名字Condi: Hu.赖斯:胡(谁)George: The guy in China.布什: 那个在中国的人Condi: Hu.赖斯:胡(谁)George: The new leader of China.布什:中国的新领导人!Condi: Hu.赖斯:胡(谁)George: The Chinese!布什:那个中国人!Condi: Hu is leading China.赖斯:胡(谁)领导中国George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?布什:啊?现在是你问我了?Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.赖斯: 我在告诉你, 胡(谁)在领导中国George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?布什:我在问你,谁(胡)在领导中国?Condi: That’s the man’s name.赖斯:就是那人的名字George: That’s whose name?布什:就是谁(胡)的名字?Condi: Yes.赖斯:是的George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leaderof China?布什:你到底愿不愿意告诉我谁(胡)是中国的领导人?Condi: Yes sir.赖斯:是的,长官（亚瑟尔）George: Yassir? You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in theMiddle East.布什：亚瑟尔？你是说阿拉法特在中国？我以为他在中东呢Condi: That’s correct.赖斯：没错George: Then who is in China?布什：那么谁（胡）在中国？Condi: Yes, sir.赖斯：是的长官（亚瑟尔）George: Yassir is in China?布什：亚瑟尔在中国？？Condi: No, sir.赖斯：不，长官George: Then who is?布什：那么谁（胡）在？Condi: Yes, sir.赖斯：是的长官（亚瑟尔）George: Yassir?布什：亚瑟尔？Condi: No, sir赖斯：不，长官.George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader ofChina. Get m e the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bethe knows.布什：听着，赖斯．我要知道中国新领导人的名字，给我接联合国秘书长．我觉得他会知道Condi: Kofi?赖斯：科费（咖啡）？George: No, thanks.布什：不，谢谢Condi: You want Kofi?赖斯：你要科费（咖啡）？George: No.布什：不！！Condi: You don’t want Kofi.赖斯：那么你不要科费（咖啡）George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass ofmilk. And then get me the U.N.布什：不，但是既然你提到它，我要杯牛奶就可以了，然后给我接联合国Condi: Yes, sir.赖斯：是的长官（亚瑟尔）George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.布什：不是亚瑟尔！是联合国的头！Condi: Kofi?赖斯：科费（咖啡）？George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?布什：不，牛奶！你给我接通电话好不？Condi: Call who?赖斯：给谁打？George: Who is the guy at the U.N?布什：谁（胡）是联合国的头？Condi: Hu is the guy in China.赖斯：胡（谁）是中国的头George: Will you stay out of China?!布什：你能不能不提中国了？！Condi: Yes, sir.赖斯：是的长官（亚瑟尔）George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at theU.N!布什：也别提中东了！给我接通联合国的头就好了！Condi: Kofi?赖斯：科费（咖啡）？George: All right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.布什：好啦好啦！那就少加点糖吧！给我接电话(Condi picks up the phone.)（赖斯拿起电话）Condi: Rice here赖斯：赖斯在这（这有米饭）George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too布什：米饭?好主意。在来两个蛋卷。基本上都是找的没有原创 惭愧

一个人想出国考察，但必须得到老总批准。于是他向老总请示，老总给了他一张字条，上面写着：“Go ahead”。 那人想：“Go ahead=前进，老总是批准了。”于是他开始打点行李。 一个同事见到了他问：“你在做什啊？？”他说：“我准备出国考察，老总批准了，给我写了‘Go ahead’。” 同事一见条就乐了：“咱们老总根本就没批准！！咱老总的英语水平你还不知道，他这是在说去个头！”