英语短篇笑话集

简短的英语笑话（精选12篇）

英语笑话作为一种城市化的民间口头创作体裁，是一种重要的交际手段。下面是我为大家收集的简短的英语笑话（精选12篇），希望对大家有帮助！

These Are My Jeans!

After going on a diet，a woman felt really good about herself----especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago.

“Look，look.” she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband.“I can wear my old jeans again.”

Her husband looked at her for a long time，when said，“Honey，I love you，but these are my jeans.”

那是我的裤子!

一个妇女在减肥一段时间后自我感觉特别好——特别是当她又能穿上很早以前就穿不上的牛仔裤时。她跑下楼冲她丈夫喊道：“快看，快看。我又能穿上以前的裤子了。”她丈夫看了她好一会儿，然后说：“亲爱的，我爱你。但那是我的裤子。”

The mean mans party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客。

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。

All I do is pay.

"My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "My wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war, and my daughter is foreign secretary."

"Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is your position?"

"Im the people. All I do is pay."

我要做的一切就是付钱。

布朗先生告诉同事说：“我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长，我女儿是外交秘书。”

“听上去挺有意思的'，”他的同事说，“那你的职务是什么呢？”

“我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。”

one day after school the teacher said to his students, "tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, i will permit him or her to go home earlier."

一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：“明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能首先回答我的问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。”

the next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed(涂抹) . he was very angry and asked, "who did it? please stand up!" "its me," said bob, "now, i can go home. good-bye, sir."

第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板被涂得乱七八糟，他非常生气的问：“谁涂的？请站起来！”鲍勃说：“先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见！”

before the final examination, tom told his mother, "mom, i had a dream last night that id passed todays exam."

在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。”

"dont trust dreams, dear. it is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." mother replied.

“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。

"then i do hope ill fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," tom said.

“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。

Saving lives.

At a pre-med university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

The mourners pain.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I dont wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wifes first husband.”

Black eyes.

A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”

The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”

“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

Why should I give you money.

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didnt donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and its not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sisters husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"Im terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if Im not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guests plate.

The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。

客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？”“在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

One day, the father lets eight-year-old son send a letter. The son took the letter. The father then remembered he didnt write address and addressees name on the envelope.

After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter into the mail box?"

"Certainly."

"You didnt notice that?the envelope does not have address and addressees name on it?"

"I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope."

"Then why?didnt you take it back?"

"I thought that you?did not write address and addressee, because you wouldnt let me know to whom you send the letter!"

The New Teacher.

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didnt like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

1.What's the best day to eat fried fish and chips?那一天是最好的日子去吃炸鱼和薯片？Fry-Day (近似"friday")2.What's the best month to eat toast?那一个月是最好的月份去吃土司？Jam-uary(jam意为果酱，而jam-uary又近似january一月，所以答案为一月）3.What do you get if you eat too much dessert?当你吃太多的点心时你会得什么？A stomach-cake(本题答案想表达的是肚子痛，此答案和肚子痛stomach-ache相近）4.Monster school pupil: What are we cooking for lunch today?怪物学院学生：今天的午饭要煮什么？Monster school teacher: Shut up and go to the stove.怪物学院老师：闭嘴并去到撸子里。4. What's worse than finding a slug in your salad?有什麼比找到鼻涕虫塞在你的沙拉？A half slug.半个鼻涕虫。5.“waiter,waiter.There are some worms on my plate".服务员，服务员，我的盘子里有一些虫子！"I didn't see any worms.Those are your sausages.我并没有看到什么虫子,那些是你的香肠。6.Why did the man stare at the carton of orange juice？为什麼男人盯著橙汁纸箱？Because it said 'concentrate'.因为它说：“集中”。 7.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down? Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle. 妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？ 汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了8.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.' 这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”9.Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 10.I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace.When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it could mean?""You'll find out on Valentine's Day." he said with a knowing smile.On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package.Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".情人节前一天，一个女人做了个项链的梦。当她醒来，她和她丈夫说：“我刚梦到你情人节给了我一根珍珠项链。你说那是什么含义呢？”。“到情人节那天你就会知道了。”他笑着说。情人节那天，男人给了他老婆一个礼盒。她很兴奋地打开，看到的却是一本书，书名是《梦的解析》。

短篇的英语笑话大全带翻译

经常讲一些笑话，不仅能给自己到来快乐，还能感染他人，这里我收集整理了短篇的英语笑话大全带翻译，一起来看看吧!

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

一个夜贼刚进入他准备洗劫的房子，他环顾四周，搜寻可偷的东西。突然，他听到了一个细小的声音：“我能看见你，上帝也能看见你。”

非常吃惊地，夜贼环视了一下房间。什么也没有，他继续他的行窃活动。

“我能看见你，上帝也能看见你。”

夜贼又被吓了一跳，他又环视了一下房间。最终，他发现在窗户附近的角落里，有个几乎被窗帘遮盖住的笼子，里面有只鹦鹉。它又一次说到：“我看见你了，上帝也能看见你。”

“那又怎样，”夜贼说到，“你只是只鹦鹉而已。”

鹦鹉回答说：“也许，但是，上帝是一只猎犬。”

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

译文：

老农约翰逊就要死了。他的家人都站在床边。他声音低沉地对妻子说：“我死后，我想你嫁给农夫琼斯。”

妻子说：“不，在你死后，我不能嫁给任何人。”

约翰逊：“但我希望你这么做。”

妻子：“为什么?”

约翰逊：“因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我。”

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

吝啬鬼的聚会

一个声名狼藉的`小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢?”

“天哪!” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧?”

Two brothers, Herbert and James, lived with their mother and a cat named Edgar. James was particularly attached to the cat, and when he had to leave town for several days, he left Herbert meticulous instructions about the pet' s care. At the end of this first day away. James telephoned his brother. "How is Edgar?"

"Edgar is dead." Herbert answered. There was a pause. Then James said, "Herbert, you're insensitive, you know how close I was to Edgar -you should have broken the news to me slowly. When I asked about Edgar tonight, you should have said, 'Edgar's on the roof , but I have called the fire department to get him down.' And tomorrow when I called, you could have said the firemen were having trouble getting Edgar down, but you were hopeful they would succeed. Then when I called the third time, you could have told me that the fire-men have done their best, but unfortunately Edgar had fallen off the roof and was at the veterinarian's. Then when I called the last time, you could have said that although everything possible had been done for Edgar, he had died. That's the way a sensitive man would have told me about Edgar. And, oh, before I forget," James added, "how is mother?"

"Oh," Herbert said, pausing for a moment, "She' s on the roof."

报丧方式

郝伯特和詹姆斯兄弟二人一起生活，家中有一老母并养了一只猫叫埃德格。詹姆斯特别喜欢这只猫。有一次他要外出几天，临行前不厌其烦地嘱咐郝伯特照顾好这只宠物。出门后的头一天晚上，他打来电话询问：“埃德格好吗?”

“它死了，”郝伯格回答。一阵沉默之后，詹姆斯说：“郝伯特，你真没心没肺，你知道我多么喜欢埃德格----你应该把这个消息慢慢地告诉我。当我问起埃德格今晚怎样时，你应该说，‘埃德格爬上了屋顶，我已给消防队打了电话，让他们把它救下来。’我明天又给你打电话时，你应该说消防队营救埃德格遇到了困难，但你相信他们会成功。在我第三天给你打电话时，你可以说消防队员已尽了最大努力，但很不幸，埃德格从屋顶上掉了下来，被送到兽医那里。在我最后一次给你打电话询问，你可以说尽管对埃德格做了一切所能做的努力，它还是死了。这是一个富有感情的人告诉我埃德格的消息时所用的方式。哦，趁我没忘记还有件事顺便问一下，”詹姆斯补充道，“母亲好吗?”

“哦……”一阵沉默后郝伯特答道，“她上了屋顶。”