第一句,用从句显得冗长,用with highly competition更合适,并且,可适当改下修饰词,如:fierce第二句,think=argue=state=believe=consider=......应有替换,最高级biggest前加the According to the survey of The Hong Kong Council Of Social Service, there are still about 1.2 million people are below the poverty line. according前可省,若是托福作文,六段过于长,可适当合并below to 应连用,去,be; survey=investigation 这个随意The disparity=inequality=variance 避免重复to help the disadvantaged这个。。。没这么用的,可以说modify the issue,adjust the policy to create a fair opportunity to compete.指代不明。opportunity for...to competefirstly可改initially,to begin with,in the first 尽量用高级词汇should = be supposed tograssroots 可替代为basic class ,lower classgap=separation=friction 避免重复过多The current welfare policies made by the government, such as the reduction of public housing rents, electricity bills and the release of additional CSSA payments,缺少谓语,前边那个made前加which are作定语从句表修饰although the solution of the poor meet the urgent needs of little help, but the long-term but then out of poverty. although和but不能连用,语句不通连续两个but。government =administration=regime=authoritythe government should implement a universal retirement protection, long-term preparation for the public, and adjusted upwards the amount of the minimum wage will help to enhance the income of the lower class.implement替为exert两个点之间应有and连接adjusted应该用分词形式,and前“,”改为“.”adjust upwards应该为......,才能更好的表意。the up-regulation of the amount of the minimum wage enhance=promote=boost=facilitateemployment counseling这个最好找下专业词汇,或者我没理解上去。。。 From creation of employment opportunities, the government should promote social enterprises makes the community become self-sufficiency and create more employment opportunities.from another aspect交代清楚。promote social enterprises to make self-sufficiency 表意不清。。。make a great effort =exert a ...... In the knowledge-based society, the poor children id difficult to develop their competitiveness because failing to get adequate material support.改为the competitiveness of the poor children cannot be promoted because of the lack of the material support下一句没看懂。。。总体来说,层次清晰,分为三点,福利,生产率,教育缺少结尾段扣题,香港面临的问题,怎样解决文章分为六段,过长,若为托福作文,算上结尾段五段即可,多了不易得分每段中应有事例,不可有论点,无论据,不足以说服人作者应多应用被动,分词,从句等提高分数的方法,不可从一而终----主动语态同时,作者应多花时间于语法上,并且写完多多检查,避免语法错误带来不必要的减分炼字上多下工夫,背诵同义词,替换词,尽量使用高级词汇总体连贯还好个人意见,未能全面分析作文