英语幽默视频理财

不好意思，我对这方面没太有研究。

腾讯微视就是一款不错的短视频软件，这里各种各样的短视频都有，只要在手机上安装个腾讯微视就可以看了。

双语幽默英语笑话汇集

1、话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。

A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大拇指道：「I AM 后羿!」

B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM 丘比特!」

轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出!结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」

Note by Jodie: 此处用西班牙口音说Sorry肥更有趣

2、昨天来了个外国人，进到办公室，前台小姐左看右看，大家都在打游戏，只有自己比较清闲，就面带微笑的："Hello?"

外国人："Hi."

前台小姐："You have what thing?"(你有什么事?)

外国人："Can you speak English?"(你会讲英语吗)

前台小姐："If I not speak English， I am speaking what?"(如果我不会说，那我现在说的什么)

外国人："Can anybody else speak English? "(还有谁能讲英语吗)

前台小姐："You yourself look. all people are playing，no people have time， you can wait， you wait， you not wait， you go."(你自己看看，所有人都在玩呢，都没空，你愿意等就等，不愿意就走你)

外国人：I want to ask about online shopping.(我想咨询下关于网上购物的事情)

前台小姐:Online shopping?is Use Internet shopping，You de understand?(网上购物?就是用上网购物，你的明白?)

外国人：。。。。。

前台小姐：you can baidu“top leader”!!你可以去百度“尚品领袖”

外国人：。。。。"Good heavens. anybody here can speak English?"(我的上帝，这儿有谁会说英语吗?) I want to speak to your head."(我想和你的领导谈谈)

前台小姐："Head not zai.You tomorrow come."(头儿不在，你明天再来吧)

3、Bad news and good news 好消息和坏消息

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

一名艺术家问画廊老板，最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。

"I've got good news and bad news," owner replied.

“这有好消息和坏消息，”老板回答。

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。

When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.

我告诉他你的画会升值，他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。”

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed," What's the bad news?"

“真是太好了”，艺术家是喜形于色，“那坏消息是什么?”

With concern, the gallery owner replied,"The guy was your doctor."

带着关心的口吻，画廊老板回答，“买画的人是你的医生”。

4、女儿的来信

Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters, Joan says, my daughter is at the university.

She’s very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary.

Her neighbor says you are lucky every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank.

Joan和她的邻居在一起聊天，聊到各自的女儿;Joan说我女儿在上大学。她很聪明，你知道的。每次我们接到她的来信，我们都要查字典。

她的邻居说，你真幸运!每次我们接到我女儿的信，我们都要去银行。

5、A New Mum took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time.

一个年轻的妈妈头一回带着她的宝贝女儿到超市买东西，

She dressed her in pink from head to toe.

她把小宝贝从头到脚穿上粉红色的衣服。

At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her.

在商场，她把小女孩放在购物车里，把买来的东西都推在孩子周围。

At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them.

在付款台前排队时，一个小男孩和他妈妈正好排在她们前面。

The child was crying and begging for some special treat.

那个小男孩在哭，看上去在向他妈要着什么东西，年轻的妈妈想，

He wants some candy or gumand his mother won't let him have any, she thought.

这个小孩一定是要糖果或是口香糖之类的玩意儿，而他妈妈又不给，所以才闹得这么厉害。

Then she heard his mother's reply.

然而就在这个时候，她听到男孩的妈妈一边回答说，

"No!"she said, looking in her direction.

“不行，”一边往她的方向看过来，

"You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one"

“你今天不能买一个小妹妹了，那位女士把最后一个买走了!”

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6、Mike:Mum,I want to watch TV.

Mum:There is no electricity tonight.

Mike:Then let's watch TVwith a candie on.

迈克：妈妈，我想看电视。

妈妈：今晚停电了。

迈克：那我们就点着蜡烛看吧。

7、Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”

“我给了一个可怜的`老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”

“她是个卖糖果的。”

8、Teacher: Here are two bird,one is a swallow,the other is a sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I can't point out but i know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallowis beside the sparrow,and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只小鸟

老师：这里有两只小鸟，一只是燕子，另一只是麻雀，谁能告诉我们哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗?

学生：我不会分辨但我知道答案。

老师：那请你告诉我们。

学生：燕子旁边的是麻雀，麻雀旁边的是燕子。

9、A dog can play the piano 会弹钢琴的狗

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink onthe house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.

Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.

The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

一个人带着他的狗走进一家酒吧。

酒吧服务生对他说，“这里不能带狗进来，请离开吧!”

那个人对服务生说，“这可不是一般的狗，它可是会弹钢琴的!”

服务生回答说，“呃，如果它真的能弹钢琴，你们可以免费在这喝上一杯!”

那个人把狗放到了弹钢琴坐的凳子上面，狗就开始了演奏，先是拉格泰姆音乐、接着弹莫扎特还有其它的… …服务生和顾客们都非常欣赏它的弹奏。

突然，一只体型更大的狗跑了进来，一把抓住小狗的脖子就把它拽出去了。

酒吧服务生问那个人，“那是怎么回事?”

那人回答，“噢，那是它妈妈。她不想它儿子玩音乐，而是做一名医生。”

10、Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?

Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.

老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗?

学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。

11、Mr. Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.

Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it's the heat that kills it.

史密斯先生：服务员，我的汤里有一只死苍蝇.

服务员：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被烫死的.

12、Son: Dad, give me a dime.

Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes?

Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you?

儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。

父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要钱了(该自立了)，不是吗?

儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗?

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Characters:Mr. Shi, Xiaofu, DabaoMr. Shi: Tax is the major source of the fiscal revenue. There is an evident change about the relationship between the tax collector and taxpayer in the past 20 years. Now, the tax collector, Xiaofu, and the tax payer Dabao, a vendor selling Yangrouchuan will show you the very change. The first Act happened in 1980s.Act (in Bazaar of Beijing, sanlihe, 1980s)Dabao: Yangrouchuan , yangrouchuan, eaten one ,want nine, eaten one, want nine. Hi, Take my yangrouchuan.(slipped, take it up, )Xiaofu: Tax! Pay the tax!Dabao: (change faces)Taxi? Where is the taxi? Here’s no taxi.Xiaofu: Tax! T---A ---X!Dabao: What’s the tax? I just know taxi! Do you want me to call a taxi for you?6JJTaxi----! Taxi----!Xiaofu: Enough! Are you the vendor?Dabao: No , No, No, no! I ’m just have a look. The vendor has gone to the toilet.Xiaofu: Not the vendor ? Impossible! you ’ve been here for 2 hours.6JJDabao: Really ? (Xiaofu: Yes, of course.) How do you know it?Xiaofu: The window of my office is open to here and I ’ve been looking at you for two hours.Dabao: It’ｓ a big bug!Xiaofu: Oh. Don’t waste my time! Please pay the tax---- 10 Yuan!Dabao: 10 yuan?! My god. I had just earned 20 Yuan one day! 5 Yuan, ok?Xiaofu: Don’t cheat me, you’ve sold more than 2 hundred ones. Dabao: 6yuan, my dear sisiter. 7Yuan, my lovely beauty.Dabao: Not for you ,not for me, let’s split the difference. 8 yuan ,ok ?Xiaofu: (looking around) All right ,a deal. But no receipt.(Dabao payed 8 yuan and Xiaofu left)Dabao: What a smart woman! Bad luck! I’m bankrupt. I have to change my place. Hope I would not meet her any more! Let’s go!Act 人物：史先生，小福，大宝。史先生：税收是国家财政收入的主要来源。在过去的20年中，税收部门和纳税人的关系有了明显改变。现在，税收部门——小福和纳税人——卖羊肉串的大宝将会上演这个改变。好生在1980年的一幕。（1980年北京三里河的一个市场）大宝：羊肉串，羊肉串了啊，吃一串，想九串，吃一串，想九串啊！您好，来点羊肉串吧。（羊肉串掉了 又捡了起来）小福：交税，交税！大宝：（换了脸色）出租车？哪有出租车？这没有出租车。小福：交税！交——税！大宝：什么是交税？我就知道有出租车！你想让我帮你叫出租车吗？出租车——！出租车——！小福：够了！你是老板吗？大宝：不，不，不，不是！我就是随便看看。老板去厕所了。小福：你——不是老板？不可能！你已经在这呆2小时了。大宝：是吗？（小福：当然。）你怎么知道的？小福：我办公室的窗户就冲这开！我已经注意你2 个小时了。大宝：好大的虫子啊！小福：别浪费我的时间！请纳税——10元！大宝：10元？我的天啊。我一天才挣20元！5元行吗？小福：别骗我了，你已经挣过200元了。大宝：6元，亲爱的姐姐？7元，美女。大宝：不是你刚才说的，也不是我刚才说的，让我们再重新定一个。8元，怎么样？小福：（四处看了下）好吧，就这样，但是没有发票。（大宝付了8元，小福离开了）大宝：多精明的女人啊！倒霉！我破产了！我得换个地儿。希望不会再遇到她。走！