英语幽默段子大全

英语幽默笑话（精选15篇）

在繁忙的学习工作中，适时读一些幽默笑话，放松自己，劳逸结合十分重要。下面是我为你整理的几则英语幽默精彩段子，让你笑到停不下来!!!

一、我是单身汉

Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms.Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked."Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor."

杰克骑车摔伤,得住院治疗.一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填.仞杰克填好递上表格"还有什么漏填的?"护士问."有!"杰克想了想说,"我是个单身汉."

二、死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭

Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.

Husband:It's okey.To my investigation,all Thespeopleeat meals.

妻子：你看这张报纸,据统计,死于肝癌的人80%都是喝酒的.

丈夫：那有什么?据我调查,死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭的.

三、位置上的冰激凌

"Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine."

"Yours?Can you prove it?"

"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."

"请原谅,你占了我的位置."

"你的位置?你能征明这点吗?"

"能,我在位置上放了杯 冰激凌."

四、别无选择

One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?"

Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"

一天,夏娃问亚当："你当真爱我吗?"

亚当无可奈何地回答："我还有的选择吗?"

五 、 两个男孩

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says,"Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers,"We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher,"When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

当老师走进教室时,两个男孩在争论.

老师是说：你们在争论什么?

一个男孩回答：‘我们捡到一张10块,我们决定把它给一个说最大的谎的人.’

‘你们应该觉得羞耻’老师说,‘当我像你们那么大的时候,我连什么是说谎都不知道.’

两个男孩把钱给了那个老师.

六、两只鸟

Teacher:Here are two birds,one is a swallow,the other is sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which?

Student:I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher:Please tell us.

Student:The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

老师：这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀.谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗?

学生：我指不出,但我知道答案.

老师：请说说看.

学生：燕子旁边的`就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子.

七、鱼网

"Can you tell me what fish net is made,Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗," 老师发问道.

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了." 小女孩回答道.

八、他赢了

Tommy:How is your little brother,Johnny?Johnny:He is ill in bed.He hurt himself.

Tommy:That's too bad.How did that happen?

Johnny:We played who could lean furthest out of the window,and he won.

汤姆：约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗?

约翰尼：他害病卧床了.他受了伤.

汤姆：真糟糕,怎么回事儿?

约翰尼：我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了.

选我吧

心不在焉的老师

An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me.I've been limping for the last half hour.”

有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。 一个碰见他的学生说： “晚安，老师。您怎么了?” “啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。”

谁的儿子最伟大

The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."

"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.

" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"

四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。”

第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。” “我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”

第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’!”

为什么六怕七呢?

Q: Why was six scared of seven?

A: Because seven "ate" nine.

问题：为什么六怕七呢?

回答：因为七连九都能吃掉呢!

(笑点：本应该是seven eight nine, 但是利用了发音相同，将eight用ate(吃)替换掉了。)

用“beans(豆子)”造句

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

一名老师让学生们利用单词“beans(豆子)”造句，其中一个女孩说“我爸爸种豆子”。另外一个同学说“我妈妈炒豆子”。第三名学生说“我们是人类”。

(笑点：老师让用的单词是beans，豆子的意思，结果，第三个学生将beings 和 beans 搞混了，因为发音相同。)

两块蛋糕

Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?

Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!

汤姆：妈妈，我可以吃两块蛋糕吗?

妈妈：当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧!

一分一块钱 A dollar per point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

一天，教授正在给学生们监考。他发下试卷，然后回到讲台前等待。

考试结束了，学生们纷纷交回试卷。教授发现一张试卷上别着一张百元钞票，还有一张纸条写着：“一分一块钱。”

第二堂课，教授把试卷都发回学生们手中。其中一个学生不但得到了试卷还得到64块钱的找零。

Eating out

外出就餐

When the bill arrives ,Mark, Chris ,Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill , out come the pocket calculators.

买单的时候，阿麦，阿克、阿力和阿汤每人都甩出20块钱，虽然其实一共只吃了32块50没人有更小的票子了，也没人愿意承认他们其实想把票子破开。女人买单时，每人掏出个计算器。

卷烟厂都失火

Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.‘I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday .’‘Don't worry ,dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later .’He said with a smile.

玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天她对丈夫抱怨说：“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”“不用担心，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。

成年人的抉择

The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin', he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse.

我儿子十八岁前的那一年，常常向我提出准许他文身。但我拒绝允许他这么做。他争辩说他不久就要成为男子汉了，并说他应该能够做出成年人的抉择了。果然，十八岁生日的几天后，他文了身，回到家里。尽管我对此感到不高兴，但出于好奇，我想看看他选择了什么雄性象征物。原来他在肩上文了一个两英寸长的米老鼠像。

和上帝对话

He says: "God,what is a million dollars to you?"and God says: "A penny,then the man says: "God,what is a million years to you?”and God says: ¨a second", then the man says: “God,can I have a penny ?"and God says:"In a second."

他问：“主啊，一百万美元对你意味着多少?”上帝回答：¨一便士。” 男子又问：“那一百万年呢，?”上帝说：“一秒钟。”最后男子请求道：”上帝，我能得到一便士吗?“上帝回答：“过一秒钟。”

可以借用一下吗

Are you using your mower this afternoon?

今天下午你准备用割草机吗?

Mr. Johnson:Are you using your mower this afternoon?

约翰逊先生：今天下午你准备用割草机吗?

Mr. Smith.Yes.

史密斯先生：是的。

Mr. Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it ?

约翰逊先生：太好了。既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗?

妈妈不见了

A little girl was lost, so she went up to a policeman and said, "l've lost my moml" The cop said,"What's she like?" The little girl replied,"Shopping and gossiping!”

有一个小女孩走丢了，于是她走到一个警察跟前说：“我妈妈不见了!”这个警察说：“她什么样子?”小女孩回答：“买东西和说闲话!”

Get the kid

A bit of advice for those about to retire. lf you are only 65,never move to ansrUrement community. Everybody else is in their 71s, 80s,or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded,they yell,"Get the kid.

这里想对将要退休的人提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里的人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们会喊，“让小的干吧。

I`ve Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes,dear," she replied. "Why do you ask?" "Because I`ve just bitten my tongue!" 我刚咬了自己的舌头 “我们有毒吗？”一条年幼的蛇问它的妈妈。 “是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？” “因为我刚刚咬了自己的舌头！”

搞笑英文段子1.“You say that you love rain, but you open yourumbrella when it rains.You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when thesun shines.You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows whenwind blows.This is why I am afraid, when you say that you love me too.”你说你爱雨，但当细雨飘洒时你却撑开了伞；你说你爱太阳，但当日当空时你却往荫处躲；你说你爱风，但当它轻拂时你却紧紧地关上了自己的窗子；所以当你说你也爱我，我却会为此而烦忧。2、My feelings for you no words can tell,Except for maybe “Go to hell.”我对你的深情无法付诸言语，除了一句“滚一边去”！3、My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:Marrying you has screwed up my life我的心肝，我的挚爱，我美丽的贤妻，我这辈子就毁在你手里。4、Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.爱是上天赐福，爱情多么美好，可我与你同眠只是因为喝醉。5、Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;This describes everything you are not.善良、聪慧、多情而性感，可惜这些你一条都不占。

看了那么多中文段子，来看一点英文段子解解腻吧!下面是我为大家整理的经典幽默英语段子精选，希望大家能够喜欢。

经典幽默英语段子精选1：

1、Whatever is worth doing is worth doing well.任何值得做的，就把它做好。

2、Happiness is a way station between too much and too little.幸福是太多和太少之间的一站。

3、In love folly is always sweet.恋爱中，干傻事总是让人感到十分美妙。

4、The hard part isn’t making the decision. It’s living with it.做出决定并不困难，困难的是接受决定。

5、Your happy passer-by all knows, my distressed there is no place hides.你的幸福路人皆知，我的狼狈无处遁形。

6、You may be out of my sight, but never out of my mind.你也许已走出我的视线，但从未走出我的思念。

7、Love is not a maybe thing. You know when you love someone.爱不是什么可能、大概、也许，一旦爱上了，自己是十分清楚的。

8、In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.到头来，你活了多少岁不算什么，重要的是，你是如何度过这些岁月的。

9、When the whole world is about to rain, let’s make it clear in our heart together.当全世界约好一起下雨，让我们约好一起在心里放晴。

10、It’s better to be alone than to be with someone you’re not happy to be with.宁愿一个人呆着，也不要跟不合拍的人呆一块。

经典幽默英语段子精选2：

1、Life is a journey, not the destination, but the scenery along the should be and the mood at the view.人生就是一场旅行，不在乎目的地，在乎的应该是沿途的风景以及看风景的心情。

2、Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.时间在流逝，生命中人来人往。不要错失机会，告诉他们在你生命中的意义。

3、I lied when I said I didn’t like you. I lied when I said I didn’t care. I lie every time I try to tell myself I will never fall for you.我说不爱你，那是假话;我说不在乎，那是假话;我告诉自己对你再不会有感觉了，那也是假话。

4、One needs 3 things to be truly happy living in the world: some thing to do, some one to love, some thing to hope for.要得到真正的快乐，我们只需拥有三样东西：有想做的事，有值得爱的人，有美丽的梦。

5、No matter how bad your heart has been broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief. The sun comes right back up the next day.不管你有多痛苦，这个世界都不会为你停止转动。太阳依旧照样升起。

6、Accept what was and what is, and you’ll have more positive energy to pursue what will be.接受过去和现在的模样，才会有能量去追寻自己的未来。

7、Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have.除非你能和真实的自己和平相处，否则你永远不会对已拥有的东西感到满足。

8、If you would hit the mark, you must aim a little above it. Every arrow that flies feels the attraction of earth. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.要想射中靶，必须瞄准比靶略为高些，因为脱弦之箭都受到地心引力的影响。

9、If you wish to succeed, you should use persistence as your good friend, experience as your reference, prudence as your brother and hope as your sentry.如果你希望成功，当以恒心为良友、以经验为参谋、以谨慎为兄弟、以希望为哨兵。

10、I’ll think of you every step of the way.我会想你，在漫漫长路的每一步。

经典幽默英语段子精选3：

1、all things are difficult before they are easy. 凡事先难后易。

2、within you i lose myself, without you i find myself wanting to be lost again.有了你，我迷失了自我。失去你，我多么希望自己再度迷失。

3、first impression of you is most lasting.对你最初的印象，久久难以忘怀。

4、the more you learn, the more you know, the more you know, the more you forget.the more you forget, the less you know. so why bother to learn.学的越多,知道的越多, 知道的越多,忘记的越多, 忘记的越多,知道的越少, 为什么学来着!

5、the soul cannot live without love. 灵魂不能没有爱而存在。

6、you don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.你不会因为美丽去爱一个女人，但她却会因为你的爱而变得美丽。

7、atrue friend is some one who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.一个真正的朋友是向你伸出手，触动你心灵的人。

8、 to the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.对于世界而言，你是一个人;但是对于某个人，你是他的整个世界。

9、Love understands love; it needs no talk.相爱的心息息相通，无需用言语倾诉。

10、may your love soar on the wings of a dove in flight. 愿你的爱乘着飞翔的白鸽，展翅高飞。