英语十条爆笑笑话

1.What's the best day to eat fried fish and chips?那一天是最好的日子去吃炸鱼和薯片？Fry-Day (近似"friday")2.What's the best month to eat toast?那一个月是最好的月份去吃土司？Jam-uary(jam意为果酱，而jam-uary又近似january一月，所以答案为一月）3.What do you get if you eat too much dessert?当你吃太多的点心时你会得什么？A stomach-cake(本题答案想表达的是肚子痛，此答案和肚子痛stomach-ache相近）4.Monster school pupil: What are we cooking for lunch today?怪物学院学生：今天的午饭要煮什么？Monster school teacher: Shut up and go to the stove.怪物学院老师：闭嘴并去到撸子里。4. What's worse than finding a slug in your salad?有什麼比找到鼻涕虫塞在你的沙拉？A half slug.半个鼻涕虫。5.“waiter,waiter.There are some worms on my plate".服务员，服务员，我的盘子里有一些虫子！"I didn't see any worms.Those are your sausages.我并没有看到什么虫子,那些是你的香肠。6.Why did the man stare at the carton of orange juice？为什麼男人盯著橙汁纸箱？Because it said 'concentrate'.因为它说：“集中”。 7.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down? Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle. 妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？ 汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了8.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.' 这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”9.Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 10.I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

1、英语笑话（一）

老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。”

小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?

老师说：Go ahead.

小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?

老师说：Go ahead.

小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？

小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！

2、英语笑话（二）

某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hong tao liu，外宾曰：我TM还是方片七呢！

3、英语笑话（三）

江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。

翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."

翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."

4、英语笑话（四）

话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM后羿！」

B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」

轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」

5、英语笑话（五）

某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：I am sorry.

老外应道：I am sorry too.

某人听后又道：I am sorry three.

老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?

某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.

6、英语笑话（六）

一位来自日本的旅客，坐出租车去机场的路上，看到一辆汽车经过，就说：“oh，TOyOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一辆经过，他又说： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司机有点不高兴，觉得他太吵了！当第三辆经过时，他还是说：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”

后来到了机场，那个日本人就问：“How Much？”出租车司机说：“1000！”

日本人惊奇的问司机：“为什么那么贵？”出租车司机回答说：“oh，mileometer（计 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”

7、英语笑话（七）

传说克林顿和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞错了，把克林顿送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了 地狱。发现错误后上帝马上改了回来，路上二人相遇。 精彩继续教皇：感谢上帝，我终于能见到圣母玛利亚了（Virgin Maria）. 克林顿（坏笑中）：Sorry，it"s too late.

8、英语笑话（八）

小强去看电影，到了电影售票处，发现一个老外和售票小姐连说带比得好半天，就自告奋勇的上前做翻译，售票小姐说：麻烦你告诉她，现在坐票售完了只剩下站票，如果要看要站着看。

小强转头就对老外说：no sit see, stand see. if see stand see.

老外回答说:Sorry I don’t understand your English.

小强就对售票小姐说：哦，他说他不懂英文....

踩了一个老外的脚，为了显示咱国家是有名的礼仪之邦，就先SORRY啦，老外更是礼貌有加，就来个sorry too.

two??the chinese puzzled.恩，咱中国人还不是得礼尚往来？！~那就I am sorry three~   这下老外蒙了，一句what are you sorry for?

晕，还有完没完啊，还FOUR？！~哼，偶跟你卯上了，Iam sorry five~(who怕 who？！~）

9、英语笑话（九）

我朋友在南大看到一非洲老外：“hello，你妈是猴儿。”老外用纯正的天津话说：“你妈是大猩猩！”

10、英语笑话（十）

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.  "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"  "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”  “因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”

A:what is your name? 你叫啥名？B:Hu胡（谐音:谁）A:you~你B:Hu~胡A:Who?谁？B:yes, I am~是，我就是A:I want to know your name我只是想知道你的名字B:Hu胡啊A:You!你！B:Yes, my name是啊，我的名字啊A:So tell me about it那就告诉我啊B:Hu!胡！A:You! What is your name!? 你！你叫啥名？！B:Hu is my name!我就叫胡A:O~哦三 Expensive Price Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth. Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction. Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office. 昂贵的代价 牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。 母亲：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀？ 牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了 能让我们的老师回去吗？ 有一次，一位督学去视察一个只有三间教室的学校。一间教室非常吵闹，因此督学抓住其中一个正在站着说话的人，把他带进另一间教室，并让他站在墙角。五分钟以后，一个小男孩从第一间教室走进来，问道，“您什么时候能让我们的老师回去呢？” 二 Who's More Polite? A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

英语幽默笑话15则

你身边真正的朋友，跟你美丑没多大关系，跟你有钱没钱没多大关系，下面我给大家收集整理了英语幽默笑话，一起来学学幽默，收集好人缘吧!

1、我懂他的话

While eating in a restaurant, I reprimanded my four-year-old son for speaking with his mouth full . "Mump umn Kmpfhm," was all I heard.

"Drew," I scolded, "no one can understand a word you're saying.

"He says he wants some ketchup," my husband said calmly .A woman sitting nearby leaned over and asked, "How in the world did you understand him?"

"I'm a dentist," my husband explained.

在饭店吃饭的时候，我申斥我4岁的儿子，因为他满嘴食物在说话。“喔、呢”，我听到的就是这些。 “祖，”我责备道，“没人明白你在说什么。” “他说他要一些番茄酱，”我丈夫平静地说。坐在旁边的一位妇女靠过来问道：“你究竟如何明白他的话的呢?” “我是牙医。”我丈夫解释道。

2、我 可 以 回 家 了

One day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question.I'll permit him or her to go home earlier.” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed.He was very angry and asked，“Who did it?Please stand up! ” “It' s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good-bye，Sir! ”

一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：“明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能回答我的第一个问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。”第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板已被乱涂，他非常生气地问：“谁涂的? 请站起来。”鲍勃说：“先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见。”

3、怎么把口香糖取出来呢

Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?

怎么把口香糖取出来呢当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候，她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后，一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前，说道：“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢?”

4、谁是世界上第一个男人

A teacher said to her class:”Who was the first man?”“George Washington,”a little boy shouted promptly.

“How do you make out that George Washington was the first man?”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently.“Because,” said the little boy, “he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.”But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.“Well,”said the teacher to him, “who do you think was the first man?”

“I don’t know what his name was,”said the larger boy, “but I know it wasn’t George Washington, ma’am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him.”

一个老师问她的学生：“谁是世界上第一个男人”一个小男孩立刻大声说：“乔治.华盛顿。”老师带着宠溺的笑容问这个男生：“你如何证明乔治华盛顿是世界上第一个男人呢。”这个男孩子说：“因为，他是第一个挑起战争，第一个主张和平，并且是第一个深得民心的人。”这时，有一个年龄稍大的男孩子举起手来，老师问他，“你认为谁是世界第一个男人?”男孩回答说：“我不知道他的名字，但是我肯定他不是乔治华盛顿，因为历史书上说，乔治华盛顿和一个寡妇结婚了，所以在他之前，当然还有一个男的啦。

5、没想到那么贵

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."

一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。“听着，”小偷说，“我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。我把这只表买下，然后我们就当什么也没发生，你看怎样?”经理表示同意，然后列了一张售货单。小偷看着单子说道：“这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点，你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。”

6、瞎子的判断

Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he

stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.

从前有个瞎子。一天，他正在行路时踩着了一只正在睡觉的狗的脑袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一阵。这人又往前走，这回踩着的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起来。瞎子以为还是那条狗，惊诧地说：奇怪，这只狗可真够长的。

7、我没有看到另外一块

Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.

妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗?约翰尼：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。

8、好客

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

9、新老师

eorge comes from school on the first of September."George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother."I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。“乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗?” 妈妈问。“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。”

10、铅笔

he Astronaut Pen During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $$1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

在二十世纪六十年代，美国和苏联正处于太空竞赛的白热化阶段，美国航空航天局决定研制一种圆珠笔，以便在太空舱重力为零的环境下仍然可以书写。经过大量的研发工作，花费了大约一百万美元的成本，太空笔终于研制出来了。那支笔果然可以在太空书写，在回到地球后，作为一样新奇的小玩意儿也确实吸引了一些目光。而面临着同样难题的苏联，则选择了一支铅笔。

11、心不在焉的老师

An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me.I've been limping for the last half hour.”

有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。 一个碰见他的`学生说： “晚安，老师。您怎么了?” “啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。”

12、谁的儿子最伟大

The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."

"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.

" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"

四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。”

第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。” “我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”

第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’!

13、国王的兄弟

A poor man， presenting himself before the King of Spain，asked his charity， telling him that he was his brother． Theking desiring to know how he claimed kindred to him， the poorfellow replied，“We are all descended from one common fatherand mother—viz．， Adam and Eve．” Upon which the kinggave him a little copper piece of money． The poor man beganto bemoan himself， saying，“Is it possible that your Majestyshould give no more than this to your brother？”“Away，away，”replies the king；“if all the brothers you have in theworld give you as much as I have done， you'll be richer than Iam．”

一个穷汉去见西班牙国王，说自己是他的兄弟，求他施恩周济。国王想知道他何以攀认亲戚，穷汉回答说，“我们有共同的祖先——亚 当和夏娃。”听了这话，国王就给了他一个小铜子儿。于是穷人开始叫屈，说：“难道您国王陛下就给兄弟这么一点点钱吗？”“走开，快走，”国王回答，“如果世界上你所有的兄弟们都像我这样给你一个铜板，你就比我还有钱了。”

14、和上帝对话

He says: "God,what is a million dollars to you?"and God says: "A penny,then the man says: "God,what is a million years to you?”and God says: ¨a second", then the man says: “God,can I have a penny ?"and God says:"In a second."

他问：“主啊，一百万美元对你意味着多少?”上帝回答：¨一便士。” 男子又问：“那一百万年呢，?”上帝说：“一秒钟。”最后男子请求道：”上帝，我能得到一便士吗?“上帝回答：“过一秒钟。”

15、 成年人的抉择

The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin', he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse.

我儿子十八岁前的那一年，常常向我提出准许他文身。但我拒绝允许他这么做。他争辩说他不久就要成为男子汉了，并说他应该能够做出成年人的抉择了。果然，十八岁生日的几天后，他文了身，回到家里。尽管我对此感到不高兴，但出于好奇，我想看看他选择了什么雄性象征物。原来他在肩上文了一个两英寸长的米老鼠像。

1.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.' 这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”2.Mother Freddie, why is your face so red Freddie I was running up the street to stop a fight. Mother That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting Freddie Me and Jackie Smith. 妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？ 弗雷迪：我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架？ 妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。 弗雷迪：我和杰克·史密斯。 3.A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation. After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. 'I'd rather not,', the clergyman said, ' I don't want Him to know I'm here.' 一位著名牧师和他教区的几位老人出席城外会议直到天黑才开完会，他们打算在回家前吃点东西。但很不巧只有一家名声不好的下等酒吧烤菜馆开着门。 饭后，一位老人要牧师祈祷。“我想我是免了，”牧师说。“我不想让主知道我在这里。”4.Tom William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him Jack Certainly. Tom And why Jack Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me. 汤姆：威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他？杰克：当然应该了。汤姆：为什么？ 杰克：否则他就该跟我借了。5.I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded. 'Why are you so nervous' I asked him. 'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed. 我陪丈夫一起出差，他带着他的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要他打开包。他耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。“你为什么那么紧张呢？”我问他。“这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”他承认道6. An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman' How much this stuff''Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.' The lady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.' 'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.' 'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.' 一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。她问店员：“这东西要多少钱？”“七美元，太太，这是很便宜的。” 老太太说：“太贵了，十四美元差不多。”店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美元。” “还是太贵，”老太太说：“五美元，我就买啦。” 7.Mother Why are you jumping up and down Tom I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle. 妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？ 汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了8.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall. On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here' 一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。” 我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”9.Mr. Johnson Are you using you mower this afternoon Mr.Smith Yes. Mr.Johnson Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it 约翰逊先生：今天下午你准备用割草机吗？ 史密斯先生：是的。 约翰逊先生：太好了。既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗？10.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.''Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile. 玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天对他抱怨说：“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”“不用担心，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。