英语翻译搞笑小品

老妈叫我翻译!!!(超强爆笑) 今天我正在看碟，老妈又捧了本书进来，说道：给我讲讲这几句话什么意思 老妈：这个“i don’t know.“是什么意思？ 我说：“我不知道” 老妈：送你上大学上了几年，你怎么什么都不知道！！ 我说：不是！就是“我不知道”吗！！ 老妈：还嘴硬！！！！$@％!#$^&％#$％@$％@#$％!^％^!^％$^#&..(一顿爆揍) 老妈：你在给我说说这个。“i know.“是什么意思你该知道吧，给我说说。 我说：是“我知道“ 老妈：知道就快说。 我说：就是“我知道“ 老妈：找茬呀你？刚才收拾你收拾的轻了是不？ 我说：就是我知道呀！ 老妈：知道你还不说！！不懂不要装懂！&*$％^@$#!％$@^％#*$^^^##$％(又一顿爆揍) 老妈：你给我小心点，花那么多钱送你上大学，搞的现在什么都不会，会那么一丁点东西还跟老娘摆谱，再问你最后一个，你给我好好解释一下，说不出来我在收拾你，你给我翻译一下“i know but i don’t want to tell you.“是什么意思？ 我晕倒，拿起枕头往头上爆砸三十几下，用头撞墙四十多下，双手轮番抽自己嘴巴五十多下，用腿踢桌子角六十多下，血肉模糊之时，我问老妈：这下你满意吧 这不她老人家又来问我了:“儿啊,i`m very annoyance,don`t tuouble me .是什么意思啊~?“ 我:“我很烦,别烦我“ 老妈:“找打,跟你妈这么说话“(于是被扁) 老妈又问;“i hear nothing,repeat. 是what意思啊“ 我说:“我没听清,再说一次“ 老妈又说了一遍:i hear nothing,repeat“ “我没听清,再说一次“ 结果被扁 老妈再问:“what do you say “又怎么解释呢“ 我说:“你说什么“(再次被扁) 老妈再问:“look up in the dictionary“是何意啊’ 我说:“查字典“ “查字典我还问你做甚“(被扁) 老妈又问:you had better ask some body.怎么翻呢“ 我说:“你最好问别人“ “你是我儿子,我问别人干吗,又找打.“ “啊!god save me !“ “上帝救救我吧!” “耍你老妈玩,上帝也救不了你!(被扁) 我再问你:“use you head,then think it over,又是什么意思啊!“ 我说:“动动脑子,再仔细想想.“ “臭小子,还敢耍我“接着又要动手 我连忙说:“是世上只有妈妈好的意思” “嗯,这还差不多,一会我给你做好吃的,明天再问你”【好笑不？】

我帮你翻译了一篇 忽忽 人物:白云(B),黑土(H),小燕(X) 白云上:"黑土走了吗?小燕上学走了吗?走了?都走了!剩下我白云,该我练练节目为了迎奥运参战!" heitu gone? Xiaoyan go to school? Gone? All gone! so let me practice the programe in order to welcome the Olympic! " (这里可以跳舞唱歌什么的先表演一下) 黑土上:"你这是干啥?" what are you doing here 白云:"排练节目呢,别在着捣乱?" i am busy now Do not make trouble 黑土:"小燕哪去了,英语老师让她去上课!" where is Xiaoyan, English teacher let her go to english class! 白云"她上哪儿我也不知道." i do not know where she is 黑土:"你能知道啥?成天不是写书就是跳舞"说完拿起手机拨:"小燕!小燕!我是你爹!我是你爷爷,爷爷!有事快回来---" what did you know?just dancing and writing all days Xiaoyan!Xiaoyan! i am your father!i am your grandfather,grandfatrher! Come home quickly 白云:"啥意思,你啥意思,连辈都整不明白.名副其实的老年痴呆!" what?what's your mean?you don't know who you are. totally a fool 小燕:"爷爷你找我?"(小燕气喘吁吁地上来) Grandpa,you call me? 白云:"小燕你上哪儿去了?" Where you went to 小燕:"在学校参加迎奥运文艺彩排!" i have practiced the program in order to welcome the Olympic in school 黑土:"你也练节目?" You are rehearsing too? 小燕:"爷爷,老师让我独唱呢!" Grandpa, the teacher let me do solo 白云:"你还能唱歌,你嗓子要是象你爷爷,唱一句该不会把外国人都吓昏了吧?" You can sing?if you like your grandfather's voice, foreigners will shocked when they heard about your voice 黑土:"象你奶奶好,象你奶奶人前一站你找对象都难." If you look like your grandmother, could not find boyfriends 小燕:"爷爷奶奶别说了."然后又问:"爷爷你叫我回来干啥?" Do not speak.why you call me back 黑土:"老师让你去上英语课." the teacher let you to English class 小燕:"爷爷,我去不了,今天下午老师让我练歌." grandpa, I could not go, this afternoon teacher let me practice the song 黑土:"练什么练,快去学英语,别耽误上课." Studies English quickly, do not delay the class 小燕:"爷爷今天不行,节目安排非常紧,抽不出时间." grandpa,is not good today, the program arranges to be tight, cannot extract the time 黑土:"请个假呗唱歌还能当饭吃?小燕听话,学好外语,一个女孩子家,将来当个英语教师什么的.吃个轻松饭,奥运会是国家和运动员的事,咱们参合啥?" Asks for leave to teacher .Studies the foreign language diligently, in the future will work as teacher of English anything. , the Olympic Games are national and athlete's matter 白云:"你说什么?开奥运没你事儿?难道你不是中国人?" What did you say? Holds the Olympic Games is not your business? Aren't you the Chinese ? 黑土:"是又怎么样?奥运会也不缺我黑土." so what?The Olympic Games do not lack me 小燕:"爷爷,别阻止我去唱歌好吗?" Grandfather, please don't prevent me to sing 黑土:"不是不让,是不想让你误了学英语." I dont want to let you delay study English 小燕:"误什么?参加奥运会演出还能锻炼自己,接触外国人还能加强口语,再说,奥运会对咱中国人多重要!" Attends the Olympic Games perform can also exercise itself, contacts the foreigner also to be able to strengthen the spoken language, and, the Olympic Games are much important to our Chinese! “ 黑土:"重要在哪啊?" what's the important 白云:"这奥运会咱盼了多少年,如今才圆了这个梦!你说重要在哪?" we had hoped the OlympicGames for many years, only , then has been round this dream today! 小燕:"奶奶说的对 grandmother is right 白云:"就是,咱们中国人站起来了,外国人也不敢小瞧我们了.过去洋人管我们叫东亚病夫,现在,特别是把刘翔一瞧,他们立刻都变成了刘翔的粉条." yes Chinese become strong.The foreigner did not dare to look down on us .In the past the foreigner called us as sicker in East Asian.Now, specially Liu Xiang,They turn Liu Xiang's starch noodles immediately 小燕:"是粉丝!" is fans... 白云:"我一听2008年在中国开奥运会就立刻写了一首歌" i write a song for 2008 Olympic Games 小燕:"什么歌?唱给我听听,好不好" a song?let me hear ok? 白云:"好,那就让我孙女听听" ok (这里再表演个歌) 小燕:"奶奶你唱的太棒了,词写的也好.奶奶声音就想歌唱家." grandmother, you sing so good, the Lyrics also well . grandmother's voice like the singer.” 黑土:"这歌听起来还有点水准." this song is not bad 白云:"其实,奶奶在年轻时唱的就够歌唱家水平,只是那时没文化,眼睛瞎,走错了门,进了作家." Actually, when i was young ,i also well, but I do not have the knowledge ,so i have become a writer 黑土:"还作家,家里坐吧!" a writer?just a joke...

《孔雀东南飞》英语剧本，搞笑版的孔雀东南飞故事。Wanderseveryfivemiles焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)焦母Johnny’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)Prologue本文转自：小品剧本，简历封面，免费电影(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)J:EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemywifeisWuSong.(指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetenderthanme.Butsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)Act1(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’mhere!What’supmum?JM:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law”.L:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?JM:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,solazy……L:But……JM:Neverinterruptme!L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardalldaylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchickenand……JM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)Goandaskyourson.I’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)Act2(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)L:Mum,I’mback!LM:Youareback?Why?Whathappened?L:Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!WhenyouinsistedonmarryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlistentome.Lookatyourself……L:But,mum……LM:Neverinterruptme!L:Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?AndI’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.LM(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.Hesaid:“IfyoudaughterHaven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgoandtellhim.(下)L(惊愕):What?Themayor’sson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的锅铲掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!(下)Act3本文转自：小品剧本，简历封面，免费电影(J睡眼惺忪上)J(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Heretheyare!(闻一下) Er!Howsmelly!Theyarestilldirty!(突然想起)Lunchhasgone!Ihavetowashthemmyself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’msohungry!Butthere’snobreakfast!(捡起地上的围裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Nowshehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.JM(上):Where’smybreakfast?Where’sLunch?Hasn’tshegotupyet?J:Mum,can’tyouremember?Lunchhasgone!JM(沉吟片刻):Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanicegirl,goandtakeherback!J(立正敬礼):Yesmadam!Act4(J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)A:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!Theroadisbuiltbyme!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)B:AndIplantedonetree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)AB&C:Giveusallyourmoney!J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):Is1maoenough?(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)A:Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!B:Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!C:Iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoandrobthewedding!A&B:Goodidea!J(惊讶):What?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?It’simpossible!AB&C:Why?Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!J:ButLunchismywife!Wehaven’tgotdivorcedyet!(突然有了主意)I’vegotanidea!Youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?I’llgowithyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.B:Haveyougotanyexperience?J:No.ButI’vegotthis!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)Act5本文转自：小品剧本，简历封面，免费电影(转眼已到了婚礼之期．MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)(J和三强盗跃至台中)ABC&J:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!A:Theroadisbuiltbyme!B:AndIplantedonetree.C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---J:Giveusallyourmoney!(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)(MS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)J(火冒三丈):Howdareyoubeatmywife!（挥拳向MS冲去）(J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS)(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey,howareyou?L(哭状):Ihurtalot!J:Don’tcrybaby.I’llgoandfetchthemedicine. (下)L(起身去追):Waitforme! (跑下)(音乐起 CanYouCelebrate)the end本篇文章来源于 中国相声泡泡网 原文链接：

一秒钟与一百万A Second and A Million Dollars A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

英文Super funny comedy "blind detection ."( Figure A, rural old man aged 61 years is a rheumatic diseases , or a serious presbyopia. Figure B , drug agent detection division , or a high degree of myopia , myopia up to 1250 degrees )( Props, two chairs , a work desk , a bed. )( Scenario A one stage hands also take a walk on crutches to assist walking cane, said while walking )A : My old man suffering from rheumatism for many years ; to see a doctor , spent all the family money ; no way I had to borrow money from the sick to see ; your patient alive is hard to talk about this ! I have recently heard that there is a kind of what is called, " Zhuiming revive Dan ," the drug can treat : " osteoarthritis rheumatoid, what organs can cure AIDS " buy point try. Looking for most of the day , the address , the sale of drugs is this place ! ( A slowly pushed open the door into the house , he saw , B are lying on the floor touching things, old man vertigo, did not see what they said is Gesha )A : This is a place to sell drugs a dog doing it ! Gosh ! What breed ah ! Head is not small ! ( In this case, B to A climb over, according to B of A is the kick ass shouted ) to bite me Tisi you !B : Oh ! Who kicked me !A : OMG ! You see my eyes, this is not the man you ! ( Hurried apology ) I'm really sorry ! My bad eyes , and consequently see a piece . Mistook you as that thing up !B : ( slowly stood up ) What do you do ?A : I was rheumatic patients to these medicines , you are " Zhuiming revive Dan " factory agent , right ?B : ( B one thought is to buy medicine , the sale to a busy answered with a smile ) Yes! We are looking for old comrades to the bench to sit down and talk ( B groping to find a stool and sat down )B : Come and sit down old comrades ! ( A also looking stool and sat down )A : You just lying on the floor doing? Whole I thought you were going to bite me!B : Oh ! This is not it all a misunderstanding , I myopia , which put just can not find my glasses , no glasses and I almost blind , just what is in touch glasses .A : Oh ! You also worse than I am blind , how would you in this one ?B : There is one, go to the next patient commercials go. The smaller the person , the less overhead it!A : Oh ! Broadcast every afternoon . Those patients say that this drug God ! Do not know, it makes good medicine in the end !B : This is where you can come on , I tell you about the pharmacological it !A : What do you say speak.B : Do you know " Zhuiming revive Dan " This drug is how made it?A : I do not know .B : Tell you what, " Zhuiming revive Dan " This drug wow , is extracted from turtle egg out !A : turtle egg ?B : that people say bastard .A : Oh ! Understand, you son of a bitch this drug is extracted from the inside out ! Right ?B : You can almost say that!A : That son of a bitch what's inside can be a good thing ah ?B : Then I ask you: Is this bastard of a long life is not long ?A : Long ! Millennium bastard you !B : Do you think again , bastard often live in the water , then damp places , so why should not it rheumatism ?A : That I can not say that it was only sick bastard shall not wet know !B : You are not a medical student , the course does not know. Let me tell you , it is because the body contains a bastard rheumatoid antibodies ! We just put this antibody extracted, made a " Zhuiming revive Dan " , this time you get the point ?A : Oh ! I lived most of my life , the son of a bitch is a bad thing you know , I did not expect so much useless these days bastard !B : You're right , it is very useful to big !A : On your flyer reads: "first free testing , after the medicine ." Detection of places where you?B : Oh ! I'm detection division, right here.A : Are you ?B : how , do not believe me , I'm a regular medical school , ah , did not see my eyes so big right degree , are learning to learn ah !A : I do not do not believe you, but you do not have glasses, how to detect it?B : I'm very skilled medical care which , no glasses does not matter, which sell drugs bear , I was talking about early medicine, early health ! So dark and dreary yet !A : All right ! It started , how check it?B : We examined three aspects , and then give you a diagnosis. You listen to me on the line !A : OK ! All listen to you.B : I will start with a drop of blood collected on your ears , look at your blood viscosity ! ( B touched the drawer and took out a plate, and a knife ) stretched over the ear !A : ( mouth constantly muttering ) I do not grasp. . . . . . Does not seem to grasp. . . . . .B : Do not panic !A : fool can not nervous , take my blood and not take you ! ( A slowly stretched his head , grabbed his hand touched a B ears )B : I'm going to blood , ah , do not move ! ( Only to hear , yeah ! Bang , A is B 's ears cut a long hole , the blood continued to flow out )A : Doctor, I just got it wrong now ! You're picking a drop of blood or the blood of a pound ah !B : I do not have to tell you do not move you, what you always shiver Yeah !A : For you this look, everyone was shaking !B : OK ! Enough blood , and quickly medication cloth, cover your ears , ( A took drugs cloth covered his mouth and ears residence not say )A : What blood enough, I have to see more !B : Now you knelt on the bed to support his hands , head and rushed west. After reading the blood viscosity, I'll give you the last second detection .A : ( slowly over to the bed to himself :) This hurts my ears , what Chong Dong , Chong West . Really not a thing !B : ( After a while , B groping came to bed, feeling a butt says ) raised his point ! ( A lift up the buttocks lift ) this old man with so large a mask doing it , face a big enough ! The masks win !A : masks ? I did not wear masks wow , your doctor made a mistake ! That was my butt , head over here where !B : You see you, I will not tell you head west punch you, how do you put the red ass West it! ( B touched a head, by a few A's cervical spine, for a say ) You say now , ah !A : ( A said in a trembling voice ) ah !B : ( B fiercely say a ) too serious !A : ( A asks the doctor Road ) doctor , rheumatism does not seem so check it ?B : Listen to my right ! Come on down .A : ( A bed slowly down his mouth and said ) not wrong with it , face and buttocks are hard to tell !B : Come here , I'll give you Baba Mai . Outstretched left hand !A : Doctor, I left not.B : I said the line on the line, should the left hand. You heard Nanzuonvyou you ! ( A , no way out his left arm , B , while the vein while asked ) you rheumatoid many years ?A : Oh , my rheumatism must be very old ! Very young my mother said I have rheumatism, wind and rain my leg was so painful that way ! The older , the more serious this sick!B : Oh , OK, just checking through , and through me on your pulse, I already know the condition of your friends !A : I diagnose what is Shabing ah ?B : With my years of experience , as well as the length of time you get sick , I can conclude that you have the typical " congenital postpartum rheumatism " !A : ah ! From my point of view that you context it?B : Your context is very smooth , and quickly take " Zhuiming revive Dan " it ! Guarantee that you will not hurt !A : What if it hurts ?B : Then you can continue to eat , guaranteed! One day the pain will slowly disappear !A : I understand, you are said to have died on It does not hurt anymore !B : What is this nonsense !A : Doctor , you're worthy of geniuses , I too admire you, you have given me to feel the pulse of a prosthetic arm ! ( A turned to go out, her lips to say ) can extract the son of a bitch in anything good ! I see you and your drugs are the same, are extracted from the son of a bitch coming out !B : old comrades ! I'm not finished yet. . . . . . !中文前面的看评论。评论接着这：什么，《追命还魂丹》的药，能治疗：“骨质增生类风湿，什么五脏六腑还能治爱滋”想买点试试。找了大半天，根据地址，卖药的地方就是这了！（甲慢慢的推门进屋，看见，乙正趴在地上摸东西，老汉眼花，没看清楚是个啥东西便说道）甲：这卖药的地方养条狗干嘛呀！天哪！这是什么品种啊！个头还不小！（这时，乙向甲爬过来，甲照着乙的屁股就是一脚大声喊道）去，咬我踢死你！乙：哎呀！是谁在踢我！甲：妈呀！你看我这眼神，这不是人吗！（急忙道歉）实在对不起！我这眼神不好，看啥都一片一片的。错把你当成那玩意了！乙：（慢慢站起身）你是干什么的？甲：我是风湿病患者到这买药的，你是《追命还魂丹》厂家的代理吧？乙：（乙一听是来买药的心想，买卖来了，忙笑着回答）对！老同志来我们找凳子坐下来说话（乙摸索着找到凳子坐了下来）乙：过来坐老同志！（甲也找凳子坐了下来）甲：刚才你趴在地上干啥呢？整的我还以为你要咬我呢！乙：哦！全是误会这不是吗，我近视眼，刚才我的眼镜放哪找不到了，没有眼镜我和瞎子差不多，刚才是在摸眼镜哪。甲：哦！你瞎的比我还厉害，怎么这就里就你一个人？乙：还有一个，下去找患者拍广告去了。人越少开销越小嘛！甲：哦！天天下午播。那些患者都说这药神！也不知道，这药到底好不好使！乙：这下你可来对了，我给你讲讲药理吧！甲：那你就说说吧。乙：你知道《追命还魂丹》这药，是怎么制成的吗？甲：不知道。乙：告诉你吧，《追命还魂丹》这药哇，是从甲鱼蛋里提炼出来的！甲：甲鱼蛋？乙：就是老百姓所说的王八。甲：哦！懂了，你这药是从王八蛋里提炼出来的！对吧？乙：差不多可以这么说！甲：这王八蛋里能有啥好东西啊？乙：那我先问你：这王八的寿命长不长？甲：长！千年王八吗！乙：你再想一想，王八经常在水里生活，那么潮湿的地方，它为啥不得风湿病？甲：这我可说不好，它得不得湿病只有王八才知道！乙：你不是学医地，当然不知道了。告诉你吧，就是因为王八的体内含有一种风湿抗体！我们就是把这种抗体提炼出来，制成了《追命还魂丹》，这回你明白了吧？甲：哦！我活了大半辈子了，就知道王八蛋是个坏东西，没想到这年头王八蛋用处这么大！乙：你说对了，用处大的很呢！甲：你们的传单上写着：“先免费检测，后买药”。检测的地方在哪呀？乙：哦！我就是检测师，就在这里。甲：你？乙：怎么，还不相信我，我可是正规医学院毕业的啊，没看见我眼睛的度数这么大吗，都是学习学的啊！甲：我不是不相信你，可你没有眼镜，怎么检测呀？乙：我医疗技术精湛的很哪，没有眼镜也没有关系，卖药要紧哪，我是说呀，早吃药，早健康！免得夜长梦多吗！甲：好吧！那就开始吧，怎么检呢？乙：我们检测三个方面，然后给你一个诊断结果。你听我的就行了！甲：行！全听你的。乙：我先从你耳朵上采一滴血，看看你的血粘稠度！（乙摸着从抽屉里拿出一个盘，和一把小刀）把耳朵伸过来！甲：（嘴里不断的嘟囔）我看不把握。。。。。。好像不把握。。。。。。乙：别紧张！甲：傻子才能不紧张，取我的血又不是取你的！（甲慢慢的把头伸过去，乙用手摸着拽住了甲的耳朵）乙：我可要采血了啊，别动！（只听见，呀！的一声，甲的耳朵被乙割开了一个长口子，血不断地流出来）甲：大夫，刚才是我听错了吧！你是采一滴血，还是一斤血呀！乙：我不都告诉你别动了吗，你老哆嗦什么呀！甲：就你这眼神，谁都得哆嗦！乙：行了！血够了，赶紧用药布，把耳朵捂住，（甲接过药布捂住了耳朵嘴里还不住地说）甲：什么血够了，我看都多了！乙：现在你跪到床上去双手支撑，头冲西。看完血粘稠度，我再过去给你检测第二项。甲：（慢慢走到床边自语道：）我耳朵这个疼，什么冲东，冲西的。真不是个东西！乙：（过了一会，乙摸索着来到了床前，摸着甲的屁股说道）抬起点！（甲把臀部向上抬了抬）这老头带这么大一个口罩干嘛呀，脸也够大的了！把口罩拿下来！甲：口罩？我没带口罩哇，大夫你搞错了！那是我屁股，脑袋在这边哪！乙：你看你，我不告诉你头冲西吗，你怎么把屁股冲西啦！（乙摸到甲的头部，按了几下甲的颈椎，对甲说）你现在说，啊！甲：（甲用颤抖的声音说）啊！乙：（乙狠狠的说了一句）太严重了！甲：（甲问大夫道）大夫，风湿病好像不是这么检查吧？乙：听我的没错！下来吧。甲：（甲从床上慢慢下来嘴里说道）还没错呢，脸和屁股都分不清！乙：到这来，我给你把把脉。把左手伸过来！甲：大夫，我左手不行。乙：我说行就行，就要左手。你没听说过男左女右吗！（甲，没办法伸出了左胳膊，乙，一边号脉一边问道）你风湿多少年了？甲：哎呀，我这风湿病可有年头了！很小的时候我母亲就说我有风湿病，刮风下雨我这腿疼的厉害呀！年龄越大这病就越严重了！乙：哦，行了，通过刚才的检查，再通过我对你的把脉，我已经了解了你的病情啦！甲：那我诊断究竟是啥病啊？乙：凭我多年经验，以及你得病时间的长短，我可以断定你得的是典型的，“先天性产后风湿”！甲：啊！那你从我的脉络上看呢？乙：你的脉络很不平稳，赶紧服用《追命还魂丹》吧！保证你不会再疼了！甲：那要是还疼呢？乙：那你就继续吃，保证！总有一天疼痛会慢慢消失！甲：我明白了，你是说死了就不疼了！乙：这是什么话！甲：大夫，你真不愧神医，我太佩服你了，刚才你给我把脉的胳膊是假肢！（甲转身往外走，嘴里不住的说）王八蛋里能提炼出什么好东西！我看你和你的药品都一样，都是从王八蛋里提炼出来的！乙：老同志！我还没说完呢。。。。。。！