50个幽默英语笑话

下面是我整理的 英语笑话 幽默，希望对大家有帮助。

英语笑话幽默：我妹妹的手指头

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.

Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

老师：凯温，这次你怎么又迟到了?

凯温：对不起，老师，我在家钉钉子，砸坏了两个手指头。

老师：怎么没有扎绷带呀?

凯温：噢，砸的不是我的手指头，我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。

英语笑话幽默：新西兰的气候

The Climate of New Zealand

Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?

Matthew: Very Cold, sir.

Teacher: Wrong.

Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!

老师：马修，新西兰的气候怎么样?

马修：先生，那里的天气很冷。

老师：错了。

马修：可是，先生!从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。

英语笑话幽默：Good news or Bad news?

An artist was part of an exhibition, and he asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"Give me the good news first," the artist demanded.

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could the bad news possibly be?"

With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The gentleman in question was your doctor."

以为艺术家在一个画廊办了个展览，他问店主是否有人对他参展的画感兴趣。

“我有一个好消息和一个坏消息。”店主回答。

“先告诉我好消息。”画家要求道。

“好消息是一位绅士询问了你的作品，还问它是否会在你死后增。我告诉他会的，然后他买下了你所有的15幅画作。”

“那太棒了!”画家惊叹。“那么什么会是坏消息呢?”

店主想了想之后说：“问那个问题的是你的医生”。

英语笑话幽默：I don't think I know

Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

John: "What do you think it is, sir?"

Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"

老师：“John，动词ring的过去分词是什么?”。

约翰：“你想它是什么呢”?

老师：“我不用想，我知道!”。

约翰：“我想我不知道”。

英语笑话幽默：A Girl's Name 女孩的名字

When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late(已故的) father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine(男性的) .

Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.

Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.

女儿出生时，我们给她取名叫迈尔斯，和我深爱的业已过世的父亲同一个名字，不过家人提醒这个名字太男性化了。

几年以后，我觉得迈尔斯已经长大，能够懂事了。我对她解释说：你的名字很特别。我给你取了一个和我爸爸一样的名字，因为我非常爱他。我相信他会为你而深感自豪的。

迈尔斯很仔细地想了一下，然后说道：这些我都懂，妈妈。可是我不知道外公为什么会有一个女孩子的名字。

英语笑话幽默：电脑问题

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges，delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of yellow paper?"

我在惠普公司打印机部做技术支持工作已经有一个月了，有一天我接到一位客户的电话，她的问题我没办法解决。她的问题是：打印机不能打出来黄色，但是 其它 颜色都正常。这让我觉得很纳闷，因为三原色就是蓝、红、黄。我建议客户更换墨盒、删了驱动程序然后重新安装，但是都没有效果。我咨询同事们，他们也不知道该怎么办。经过两个多小时的交涉，我打算让客户把打印机寄给我们，这时候她平静地说了一句：“我是不是应该把这张黄纸扔了换一张白纸再打印试试。”

英语笑话幽默：精神病医生

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了!”“给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢?”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗?有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了!”

英语笑话幽默：死后重生

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

“你相信人能死后重生吗?”老板问他的一个员工。 “我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。 “哦，那还好”。老板接着说。 “你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”

英语笑话幽默：他什么都没听到

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."

我在邮局上班，对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以，有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时，我还是非常平静地问她，“有什么问题吗?”“我早上上街了，”女顾客说，“我回到家的时候，我看到一个卡片，卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹，但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹给了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了!”“是什么好东西?”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。

英语笑话幽默：有效

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

汤姆早上老起不来，所以上班总是迟到。他的老板非常生气，警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼。于是，汤姆去看医生，医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药。汤姆照医生的话做了，睡得非常之好，事实上，他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。汤姆从容不迫地吃完早餐，然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。 “老板”，汤姆说，“那药真管用，我的睡眠好极了!” “是够管用的，”老板说，“问题是，昨天你人哪去了”?

英语笑话幽默：两个笨贼

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"

两个盗贼在一家旅馆偷东西。第一个说：“我听到警报响了，快跳吧!” 第二个说：“但是我们现在在第13层啊!” 第一个尖叫着回敬他：“都什么时候了，还这么迷信!”

英语笑话幽默：结婚的花费

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

小男孩问他的父亲：“爸爸，结婚要花多少钱?”

His father replied, "I don't know, son, because I'm still paying for it now."

他的父亲回答说：“儿子，我不知道，因为我现在还在为它付账呢。”

英语幽默笑话15则

你身边真正的朋友，跟你美丑没多大关系，跟你有钱没钱没多大关系，下面我给大家收集整理了英语幽默笑话，一起来学学幽默，收集好人缘吧!

1、我懂他的话

While eating in a restaurant, I reprimanded my four-year-old son for speaking with his mouth full . "Mump umn Kmpfhm," was all I heard.

"Drew," I scolded, "no one can understand a word you're saying.

"He says he wants some ketchup," my husband said calmly .A woman sitting nearby leaned over and asked, "How in the world did you understand him?"

"I'm a dentist," my husband explained.

在饭店吃饭的时候，我申斥我4岁的儿子，因为他满嘴食物在说话。“喔、呢”，我听到的就是这些。 “祖，”我责备道，“没人明白你在说什么。” “他说他要一些番茄酱，”我丈夫平静地说。坐在旁边的一位妇女靠过来问道：“你究竟如何明白他的话的呢?” “我是牙医。”我丈夫解释道。

2、我 可 以 回 家 了

One day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question.I'll permit him or her to go home earlier.” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed.He was very angry and asked，“Who did it?Please stand up! ” “It' s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good-bye，Sir! ”

一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：“明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能回答我的第一个问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。”第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板已被乱涂，他非常生气地问：“谁涂的? 请站起来。”鲍勃说：“先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见。”

3、怎么把口香糖取出来呢

Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?

怎么把口香糖取出来呢当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候，她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后，一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前，说道：“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢?”

4、谁是世界上第一个男人

A teacher said to her class:”Who was the first man?”“George Washington,”a little boy shouted promptly.

“How do you make out that George Washington was the first man?”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently.“Because,” said the little boy, “he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.”But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.“Well,”said the teacher to him, “who do you think was the first man?”

“I don’t know what his name was,”said the larger boy, “but I know it wasn’t George Washington, ma’am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him.”

一个老师问她的学生：“谁是世界上第一个男人”一个小男孩立刻大声说：“乔治.华盛顿。”老师带着宠溺的笑容问这个男生：“你如何证明乔治华盛顿是世界上第一个男人呢。”这个男孩子说：“因为，他是第一个挑起战争，第一个主张和平，并且是第一个深得民心的人。”这时，有一个年龄稍大的男孩子举起手来，老师问他，“你认为谁是世界第一个男人?”男孩回答说：“我不知道他的名字，但是我肯定他不是乔治华盛顿，因为历史书上说，乔治华盛顿和一个寡妇结婚了，所以在他之前，当然还有一个男的啦。

5、没想到那么贵

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."

一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。“听着，”小偷说，“我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。我把这只表买下，然后我们就当什么也没发生，你看怎样?”经理表示同意，然后列了一张售货单。小偷看着单子说道：“这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点，你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。”

6、瞎子的判断

Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he

stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.

从前有个瞎子。一天，他正在行路时踩着了一只正在睡觉的狗的脑袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一阵。这人又往前走，这回踩着的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起来。瞎子以为还是那条狗，惊诧地说：奇怪，这只狗可真够长的。

7、我没有看到另外一块

Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.

妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗?约翰尼：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。

8、好客

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

9、新老师

eorge comes from school on the first of September."George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother."I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。“乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗?” 妈妈问。“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。”

10、铅笔

he Astronaut Pen During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $$1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

在二十世纪六十年代，美国和苏联正处于太空竞赛的白热化阶段，美国航空航天局决定研制一种圆珠笔，以便在太空舱重力为零的环境下仍然可以书写。经过大量的研发工作，花费了大约一百万美元的成本，太空笔终于研制出来了。那支笔果然可以在太空书写，在回到地球后，作为一样新奇的小玩意儿也确实吸引了一些目光。而面临着同样难题的苏联，则选择了一支铅笔。

11、心不在焉的老师

An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me.I've been limping for the last half hour.”

有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。 一个碰见他的`学生说： “晚安，老师。您怎么了?” “啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。”

12、谁的儿子最伟大

The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."

"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.

" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"

四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。”

第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。” “我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”

第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’!

13、国王的兄弟

A poor man， presenting himself before the King of Spain，asked his charity， telling him that he was his brother． Theking desiring to know how he claimed kindred to him， the poorfellow replied，“We are all descended from one common fatherand mother—viz．， Adam and Eve．” Upon which the kinggave him a little copper piece of money． The poor man beganto bemoan himself， saying，“Is it possible that your Majestyshould give no more than this to your brother？”“Away，away，”replies the king；“if all the brothers you have in theworld give you as much as I have done， you'll be richer than Iam．”

一个穷汉去见西班牙国王，说自己是他的兄弟，求他施恩周济。国王想知道他何以攀认亲戚，穷汉回答说，“我们有共同的祖先——亚 当和夏娃。”听了这话，国王就给了他一个小铜子儿。于是穷人开始叫屈，说：“难道您国王陛下就给兄弟这么一点点钱吗？”“走开，快走，”国王回答，“如果世界上你所有的兄弟们都像我这样给你一个铜板，你就比我还有钱了。”

14、和上帝对话

He says: "God,what is a million dollars to you?"and God says: "A penny,then the man says: "God,what is a million years to you?”and God says: ¨a second", then the man says: “God,can I have a penny ?"and God says:"In a second."

他问：“主啊，一百万美元对你意味着多少?”上帝回答：¨一便士。” 男子又问：“那一百万年呢，?”上帝说：“一秒钟。”最后男子请求道：”上帝，我能得到一便士吗?“上帝回答：“过一秒钟。”

15、 成年人的抉择

The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin', he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse.

我儿子十八岁前的那一年，常常向我提出准许他文身。但我拒绝允许他这么做。他争辩说他不久就要成为男子汉了，并说他应该能够做出成年人的抉择了。果然，十八岁生日的几天后，他文了身，回到家里。尽管我对此感到不高兴，但出于好奇，我想看看他选择了什么雄性象征物。原来他在肩上文了一个两英寸长的米老鼠像。