英语短笑话礼物

简短的英语笑话（精选12篇）

英语笑话作为一种城市化的民间口头创作体裁，是一种重要的交际手段。下面是我为大家收集的简短的英语笑话（精选12篇），希望对大家有帮助！

These Are My Jeans!

After going on a diet，a woman felt really good about herself----especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago.

“Look，look.” she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband.“I can wear my old jeans again.”

Her husband looked at her for a long time，when said，“Honey，I love you，but these are my jeans.”

那是我的裤子!

一个妇女在减肥一段时间后自我感觉特别好——特别是当她又能穿上很早以前就穿不上的牛仔裤时。她跑下楼冲她丈夫喊道：“快看，快看。我又能穿上以前的裤子了。”她丈夫看了她好一会儿，然后说：“亲爱的，我爱你。但那是我的裤子。”

The mean mans party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客。

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。

All I do is pay.

"My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "My wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war, and my daughter is foreign secretary."

"Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is your position?"

"Im the people. All I do is pay."

我要做的一切就是付钱。

布朗先生告诉同事说：“我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长，我女儿是外交秘书。”

“听上去挺有意思的'，”他的同事说，“那你的职务是什么呢？”

“我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。”

one day after school the teacher said to his students, "tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, i will permit him or her to go home earlier."

一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：“明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能首先回答我的问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。”

the next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed(涂抹) . he was very angry and asked, "who did it? please stand up!" "its me," said bob, "now, i can go home. good-bye, sir."

第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板被涂得乱七八糟，他非常生气的问：“谁涂的？请站起来！”鲍勃说：“先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见！”

before the final examination, tom told his mother, "mom, i had a dream last night that id passed todays exam."

在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。”

"dont trust dreams, dear. it is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." mother replied.

“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。

"then i do hope ill fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," tom said.

“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。

Saving lives.

At a pre-med university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

The mourners pain.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I dont wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wifes first husband.”

Black eyes.

A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”

The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”

“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

Why should I give you money.

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didnt donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and its not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sisters husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"Im terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if Im not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guests plate.

The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。

客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？”“在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

One day, the father lets eight-year-old son send a letter. The son took the letter. The father then remembered he didnt write address and addressees name on the envelope.

After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter into the mail box?"

"Certainly."

"You didnt notice that?the envelope does not have address and addressees name on it?"

"I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope."

"Then why?didnt you take it back?"

"I thought that you?did not write address and addressee, because you wouldnt let me know to whom you send the letter!"

The New Teacher.

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didnt like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

MOTHER:why are you jumping up and down.TOM:I have just some medicine and I forgot to snake the bottle.妈妈问：“你为什么不停地跳？”汤姆：“我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子。” Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”

guest:What is the fly doing in my soup? waiter: He is swimming, sir. 客人：这只苍蝇在我汤里干嘛？ 招待：他在游泳，先生。 *********************************i saw a saw saw a saw .我看见一个锯子在锯一个锯子**********************************Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow". 老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行". ******************************Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. 事实上，只有一杯酒就让我醉倒了，糟糕的是，我不能想起来它是第十三杯还是第十四杯。 ***************************As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... 当你慢慢变老，会发生三件事。第一件是你会丧失记忆。而我已经记不起来其它两件了……

Who Is the Laziest? Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class? Tom: I don't know, father. Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work? Tom: Our teacher, father. 父亲：哎，汤姆，今天我跟你们老师谈过，现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒？ 汤姆：我不知道，爸爸。 父亲：啊，不对，你知道！想想看，当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时，谁在课堂上坐着，只是看人家做功课？ 汤姆：我们老师，爸爸。 这是我们老师给的，很经典的！！！

TOM'S EXCUSE Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow".汤姆的借口 老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？ 汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。"

Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa. 钞票不是万能的,有时还需要信用卡. One should love animals. They are so tasty. 每个人都应该热爱动物,因为它们很好吃. Save water. Shower with your girlfriend. 要节约用水,尽量和女友一起洗澡. Love the neighbor. But don't get caught. 要用心去爱你的邻居,不过不要让她的老公知道. Behind every successful woman, there is a man. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. 每个成功男人的背后,都有一个女人. 每个不成功男人的背后, 都有两个. Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. 再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚,幸福不是永久的嘛. The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise. 聪明人都是未婚的,结婚的人很难再聪明起来. Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. 成功是一个相关名词,他会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚（联系）. Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. 不要等明天交不上差再找借口, 今天就要找好. Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop. 爱情就象照片,需要大量的暗房时间来培养. Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children. 后排座位上的小孩会生出意外, 后排座位上的意外会生出小孩. "Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep. "现在的梦想决定着你的将来",所以还是再睡一会吧. There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning. 应该有更好的方式开始新一天,而不是千篇一律的在每个上午都醒来. "Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk? 努力工作不会导致死亡!不过我不会用自己去证明. "Work fascinates me." I can look at it for hours! 工作好有意思耶!尤其是看着别人工作. God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends. 神决定了谁是你的亲戚,幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给了你留了余地. When two's company, three's the result! 两个人的状态是不稳定的,三个人才是! A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view. 服饰就象铁丝网,它阻止你冒然行动但并不妨碍你尽情的观看. The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn. 学的越多,知道的越多, 知道的越多,忘记的越多, 忘记的越多,知道的越少,为什么学来着？ 老师:"你会不会?!" "会会,我会,请别罚我站" 老师:"那好,请告诉我澳大利亚的位置." "这个......我知道,我个人认为是在火星上,我如果说错了,请老师指教......"