英语幽默段子超短

幽默的英语笑话短文（精选11篇）

在繁忙的学习工作中，适时读一些幽默笑话，放松自己，劳逸结合十分重要。下面是我整理的幽默的英语笑话短文（精选11篇），希望大家喜欢！

The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.

"You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient,"For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist,or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician."

The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price."Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked.

The Brain Surgeon replied,"No,it’s not better,just unused."

一个外科医生正要作一个脑移植手术。

“你可以从两个脑子中选一个给你。”医生告诉病人，“一个心理学家的大脑1000美元，一个政治家的大脑10000美元。

病人很惊讶二者之间这样大的.差别，“政治家的大脑好一些吗?”他问。

医生说：“不是好一些，只是没有用过。”

Mike:Mum,I want to watch TV.

Mum:There is no electricity tonight.

Mike:Then let's watch TVwith a candie on.

迈克：妈妈，我想看电视。

妈妈：今晚停电了。

迈克：那我们就点着蜡烛看吧。

The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made,Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安?" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents."What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly."Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”

“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”

“她是个卖糖果的。”

I've Just Bitten My Tongue

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

"Yes,dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

我刚咬破自己的舌头

“我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。

“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么?”

“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”

It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate,a plump,middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind,lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back.Her momentum carried her close to my shoes.Before I could help her,however,she had scrambled up.Gaining her composure,she winked at me and said,"Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?”

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody.What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的?

-- 墓地守墓人。

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States,she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her.At the bank counter,the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real.It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more,uttering."Trust me,Sir,and trust the money.They are real US dollars.They are directly from America."

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”

Mrs.Brown:Oh,my dear,I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs.Smith:But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs.Brown:It's no use,my little dog can't read.

布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了!

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊!

布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

—Waiter,this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry,sir.It must have been in a fight.

-- Well,bring me the winner then.

-- 服务员， 这个龙虾只有一只爪。

-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。

-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”

teacher:here are two birds,one is a swallow,the other is sparrow.now who can tell us which is which?

student:i cannot point out but i know the answer.

teacher:please tell us.

student:the swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

【第一条】英文：Examination and many children, so that the number of honest learned cheating.中文：考试害了多少个孩子，让多少诚实的孩子学会了作弊。

【第二条】英文：For beautiful eyes, on the line, and told myself, my wife than they were.中文：对于美女，看两眼就行，转身告诉自己，我老婆比她们都好。【第三条】英文：Did you find, those who hate you, looks very ugly.中文：你有没有发现，那些讨厌你的人，长得都特别丑。

【第四条】英文：Since I will play QQ, I found my pinyin is getting better and better, the study did not have this effect.中文：自从会玩QQ后，我发现我拼音越来越好了，读书都没这效果。【第五条】英文：I have a flirt with hot chicks ability, but he is a girl.中文：我空有一身泡妞的本事，可惜自己是个妞。

【第六条】英文：I do not smoke cigarettes, is not lonely, second-hand smoke！中文：我抽的不是烟，也不是寂寞，是二手烟！【第七条】英文：Examination of people rely on strength, and I rely on the rich imagination.中文：考试有人靠的是实力，而我靠的是丰富的想象力。【第八条】英文：Abroad: Thought and ability is the key, the domestic: relationship and can run.中文：国外：思想和才能才是王道，国内：关系和马屁才能横行。

【第九条】英文：The teacher said to hear and fine, I know he's salary.中文：听到老师说又要开始罚钱，我就知道是他工资花完了。【第十条】英文：The man called the romantic love rich, rich in the coquettish woman.中文：男人情史丰富那叫风流，女人情史丰富那叫风骚。

【第十一条】英文：One, two people, three person is to fight at outrance.中文：一个人快活，两个人生活，三个人就是你死我活。【第十二条】英文：Grandpa Mao said, not to marry for the purpose of making object is bullying.中文：毛爷爷说，不以结婚为目的的搞对象都是耍流氓。

【第十三条】英文：Brother, you have to face the resolution is good？中文：大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？【第十四条】英文：In heaven there is no white out the pie, but white out the bricks.中文：天上没有白掉的馅饼，倒有白掉的砖头。【第十五条】英文：Ideals are like the pants, have, but not everyone can go to prove that you have！中文：理想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就去证明你有！【第十六条】英文：More to their fucking great time also can not compare with idiot years.中文：再多各自牛逼的时光 也比不上一起傻逼的岁月。

【第十七条】英文：Thinking of how far, how far you roll; light how fast, how fast you roll.中文：思想有多远，你就滚多远；光速有多快，你就滚多快。【第十八条】英文：Chinese two big characteristics: one, don't love the truth; two, do not want to hear the truth.中文：中国人就两大特点：一，不爱说实话；二，不爱听实话。

【第十九条】英文：You look very Chinese, very dedicated, very backbone.中文：你长的很爱国，很敬业，很有骨气。【第二十条】英文：Germany is the only woman, I think I must be too mean.中文：女子无才便是德，我想我一定是太缺德了。

【第二十一条】英文：If you don't like brother talk about conscience, I did not, a few days just donated.中文：你丫别跟哥谈良心，哥没有，上几天刚捐了。【第二十二条】英文：Go go go, don't waste the youth the two words, you are already the beginning of autumn.中文：去去去，别糟蹋青春那两字了，你都已经立秋了。

【第二十三条】英文：Women have two mouths, a mouth is a, a mouth to eat.中文：女人有俩张嘴，一张嘴道是非，一张嘴会吃人。【第二十四条】英文：In fact, the day classes can be short, the computer opening and closing the past.中文：其实，一天班可短暂了，电脑一开一关就过去了。

【第二十五条】英文：You have learned at school all forget, the rest is quality.中文：把你们在学校所学的知识统统忘掉，剩下的就是素质。【第二十六条】英文：Living half are bad luck, the other half is how to handle it.中文：活的一半是倒霉，另一半是如何处理倒霉。

【第二十七条】英文：Life can not cook, all the materials are ready was the pot.中文：人生不能像做菜，把所有的料都准备好才下锅。【第二十八条】英文：First scroll: Live meaningless, the second line of a couplet: Dutch act no courage, horizontal batch: white go back.中文：上联：活着没意义，下联：自杀没勇气，横批：白走一回。

【第二十九条】英文：My principle is: the person does not make me, I do not prisoners; if the person make me, I will get angry！中文：我的原则是：人不犯我，我不犯人；人若犯我，我就生气！【第三十条】英文：After today, do not meet again, I am afraid to wake up every day to beat you many times.中文：过完了今天，就不要再见面，我害怕每天醒来揍你好几遍。【第三十一条】英文：What I want, is shameless. What to eat, is not lose.中文：我什么都要，。

1.Can you can a can as a canner can can a can？你能够像罐头工人一样装罐头吗？2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish,but if you wish the wish the witch wishes,I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.我希望梦想着你梦想中的梦想，但是如果你梦想着女巫的梦想，我就不想梦想着你梦想中的梦想.3.I scream,you scream,we all scream for ice-cream！我叫喊，你叫喊，我们都喊着要冰淇淋！4.How many cookies could a good cook cook if a good cook could cook cookies?A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.如果一个好的厨师能做小甜饼，那么他能做多少小甜饼呢？一个好的厨师能做出和其它好厨师一样多的小甜饼.5.The driver was drunk and drove the doctor's car directly into the deep ditch.这个司机喝醉了，他把医生的车开进了一个大深沟里.6.Whether the weather be fine or whether the weather be not.Whether the weather be cold or whether the weather be hot.We'll weather the weather whether we like it or not.无论是晴天或是阴天.无论是冷或是暖，不管喜欢与否，我们都要经受风霜雨露.7.Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked？彼德派柏捏起一撮泡菜.彼德派柏捏起的是一撮泡菜.那么彼德派捏起的泡菜在哪儿？8.I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought,I wouldn't have thought so much.我有一种想法，但是我的这种想法不是我曾经想到的那种想法.如果这种想法是我曾经想到的想法，我就不会想那么多了.9.Amid the mists and coldest frosts,With barest wrists and stoutest boasts,He thrusts his fists against the posts,And still insists he sees the ghosts.雾蒙蒙，冰霜冻，手腕儿空空，话儿涌，只见他猛所拳头往柱子上砸，直说自己把鬼碰.10.Badmin was able to beat Bill at billiards,but Bill always beat Badmin badly at badminton.巴德明在台球上能够打败比尔，但是打羽毛球比尔常常大败巴德明.11.Betty beat a bit of butter to make a better butter.贝蒂敲打一小块黄油要做一块更好的奶油面.12.Rita repeated what Reardon recited when Reardon read the remarks.当里尔登读评论时，丽塔重复里尔登背诵的东西.13.Few free fruit flies fly from flames.没有几只果蝇从火焰中飞过去.14.Fifty-five flags freely flutter from the floating frigate.五十五面旗子在轻轻漂浮的战舰上自由的飘扬.15.There is no need to light a night light on a light night like tonight.for a bright night light is just like a slight light.像今夜这样明亮的夜晚，就不需要点一盏夜灯，因为明亮的夜灯也会变得微弱.17.A pleasant peasant keeps a pleasant pheasant and both the peasant and the pheasant are having a pleasant time together.一位和气的农民养了一只伶俐的野鸡，而且这位和气的农民和这只伶俐的野鸡在一起度过了一段很美好的时光18.How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets？如果裁纸机能裁纸的话，一个裁纸机能裁多少张纸呢？19.Mr.See owned a saw and Mr.Soar owned a seesaw.Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See.西先生有一个锯，萨先生有一个秋千.现在在萨先生看见西先生之前，西先生的锯锯断了萨先生的秋千.20.If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.如果你非常相要好的风筝和精彩的表演，就去买一只漂亮的，灵巧的风筝吧.21.Ted sent Fred ten hens yesterday so Fred's fresh bread is ready already.特德昨天给弗莱德送去了十只母鸡，所以弗莱德的新鲜面包已经准备好了.22.A Finnish fisher named Fisher failed to fish any fish one Friday afternoon and finally he found out a big fissure in his fishing net.一个名叫费希尔的芬兰渔民在一个星期五的下午未能捕捉到任何鱼，结果他民现他的渔网上有一个大裂口.23.Franc's father is frying French fries for his five fire-fighter friends after they finished a fire-fighting in a factory.在结束对一家工厂的灭火战斗以后，弗兰克的父亲在为他的五个消防队员朋友炸制法式土豆（炸薯条）。

Moneyisnoteverything.There'sMastercard&Visa.

钞票不是万能的，有时还需要信用卡。

Oneshouldloveanimals.Theyaresotasty.

每个人都应该热爱动物，因为它们很好吃。

Savewater.Showerwithyourgirlfriend.

要节约用水，尽量和女友一起洗澡。

Lovetheneighbor.Butdon'tgetcaught.

要用心去爱你的邻居，不过不要让她的老公知道。

Behindeverysuccessfulman,thereisawoman.Andbehindeveryunsuccessfulman,therearetwo.

每个成功男人的背后，都有一个女人。每个不成功男人的背后，都有两个。

Everymanshouldmarry.Afterall,happinessisnottheonlythinginlife.

再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚，幸福不是永久的嘛。

Childreninbackseatscauseaccidents.Accidentsinbackseatscausechildren.

后排座位上的小孩会生出意外，后排座位上的意外会生出小孩。

"Yourfuturedependsonyourdreams."Sogotosleep.

“现在的梦想决定着你的将来”，所以还是再睡一会吧。

Thereshouldbeabetterwaytostartadaythanwakingupeverymorning.

应该有更好的方式开始新一天，而不是千篇一律的在每个上午都醒来。

"Hardworkneverkilledanybody."Butwhytaketherisk?"

“努力工作不会导致死亡！”不过我不会用自己去证明。

"Workfascinatesme."Icanlookatitforhours!"

“工作好有意思耶！”尤其是看着别人工作。

Whentwo'scompany,three'stheresult!

两个人的状态是不稳定的，三个人才是

ME TOO One day Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary went to an african country。

The president of this country don't speak English, so he learned a little greeting sentence from his translater。 His translater told him when first meet a person you can say:"How are you?" the probably answer maybe:"I am fine, and you?" then you should say:"Me too!" When he meet Bill Clinton at airport he was so excited that forgot the sentence he have learned before。

He want to say:"How are you" but he said:"Who are you?" Bill was puzzled but he want to show his humour and he said:"I am Hillary's husband, and you？…" The african president finally remembered what to say and said:"Me too!"。

1) I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

我爱你，不是因为你是一个怎样的人，而是因为我喜欢与你在一起时的感觉。

2) No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

没有人值得你流泪，值得让你这么做的人不会让你哭泣。

3) The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

失去某人，最糟糕的莫过于，他近在身旁，却犹如远在天边。

4) Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

纵然伤心，也不要愁眉不展，因为你不知是谁会爱上你的笑容。

5) To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

对于世界而言，你是一个人；但是对于某个人，你是他的整个世界。

6) Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

不要为那些不愿在你身上花费时间的人而浪费你的时间。

7) Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

爱你的人如果没有按你所希望的方式来爱你，那并不代表他们没有全心全意地爱你。

8) Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

不要着急，最好的总会在最不经意的时候出现。

9) Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

在遇到梦中人之前，上天也许会安排我们先遇到别的人；在我们终于遇见心仪的人时，便应当心存感激。

10) Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

不要因为结束而哭泣，微笑吧，为你的曾经拥有。

The nice men are ugly.好男人不帅。

The handsome men are not nice.帅男人不好。The handsome and nice men are gay.又帅又好的男人是同性恋。

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.又帅又好又不是同性恋的男人都结婚了。Men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.不是很帅但是很好的男人却没有钱。

The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.不是很帅但是又好又有钱的男人会认为我们看上的是他们的钱。The handsome men without money are after our money.而没有钱但是很帅的男人看上的是我们的钱。

The handsome men, who are not so nice and some what heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.不是很好但是很帅又是异性恋的男人却嫌我们不够漂亮。The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.又好又有钱又是异性恋又觉得我们漂亮的男人却又没胆量。

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE！又好又帅又有点钱而且是个异性恋的男人偏偏害羞而且从不采取行动。The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.那些从不主动的男人一旦我们采取主动就对我们失去兴趣。

NOW。WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTaNDS MEN？现在。

到底有谁了解男人这东西？。

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.""That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor一名艺术家问画廊老板，最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。

“这有好消息和坏消息，”老板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。

我告诉他你的画会升值，他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。”“真是太好了”，艺术家是喜形于色，“那坏消息是什么？”带着关心的口吻，画廊老板回答，“买画的人是你的医生”。

The New TeacherGeorge comes from school on the first of September."George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother."I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too。.."新老师9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。

"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6， 可后来又说2加4也得6。

"Two BirdsTeacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.Teacher: Please tell us.Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.两只鸟老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

Excuse for SpeedingExcuse for SpeedingHarry and Lloyd were speeding down the road. A police car pulled them over.〃Why on earth were you driving so fast？〃 the policeman yelled.〃Our brakes are no good-so we wanted to get there before we had an accident！〃超速的理由哈里与劳埃德超速行驶，一辆警车拦住了他们。“你们为什么开那么快？”警官喊道。

“我们的刹车不好，因此我们想在发生事故前赶紧到达目的地。”Send the Bill to My FatherDoctor： 〃I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.〃Patient： 〃then send the bill to my father,please.〃把账单给我父亲医生：“对你的抱怨我无能为力。

那是遗传病。”病人：“那请你把账单给我父亲吧。”

One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.Girl: Father, I have sinned.Preacher: What did you do, little girl?Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a son of a Bitch.Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?Girl: He touched my breast.Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.Preacher: That's no reason to call him that.Girl: But he also took off my cloth.Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)Girl: Yes, that's what he did.Preacher: That's still no reason to call him that.Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what。Preacher: (evil laugh。

) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)Girl: (After a few minutes。) Ugh。

Yeah, that's what he did。Preacher: My dear girl, that's still no reason to call him a。

Girl: But he had AIDS!!Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH小建议：英语笑话通常都是很短的，要是长了就达不到效果了。越是经典的就越短。

老外的幽默和我们的不一样的。十句以上都可以算作阅读段了，怎么表演啊，听众本来听英语就费劲，句子又多又长，肯定没兴趣了，还是找些短的来表演吧，BODY LANGUAGE 到位，EXPRESSION 到位就OK了。

但是有关动物的确实找不到了，对不起。

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard and Visa.

钞票不是万能的，毕竟有时还需要信用卡。

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

每个人都应该热爱动物，因为它们很好吃。

Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.

要节约用水，所以尽量和女友一起洗澡。

Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.

要用心去爱你的邻居，不过不要让她的老公知道。

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two or more.

每个成功男人的背后，都有一个女人。每个不成功男人的背后，都有两个或更多。

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚，毕竟幸福不是永久的嘛。

The wise never marry.

聪明人都是未婚的。

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

成功是一个相关名词，它会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚。

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

不要等明天交不上差再找借口，今天就要找好。

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.

爱情就像照片，需要大量的暗房时间来培养。

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

后座上的小孩会生出意外，后座上的意外会生出小孩。

"Your future depends on your dreams."So go to sleep.

现在的梦想决定着你的将来，所以，还是再睡一会吧。

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

应该有更好的方式开始新的一天，而不是千篇一律地在每个上午都醒来。

"Hard work never killed any body."But why take the risk?

努力工作不会导致死亡。但为什么要冒险呢？