美式幽默英文

A notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement． A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor．How are you？ “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me．I've been limping for the last half hour．” 16．心不在焉的老师 有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。 一个碰见他的学生说： “晚安，老师。您怎么了？” “啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。” by Leigh Hunt I had a schoolmate who had come into school at an age later than usual，and could hardly read．There was a book used by the leaners in reading called“Dialogues between a Missionary and an Indian．”It was a poor performance，full of inconclusive arguments and other commonplaces．The boy in question used to appear with this book in his hand in the middle of the school，the master standing behind him． The lesson was to begin．The poor fellow，whose great fault lay in a deep toned drawl of his syllable and the omission of his stops，stood half looking at the book，and half casting his eye towards the right of him， whence the blows were to proceed．The master looked over him，and his hand was ready．I am not exact in my quotation at this distance of time ；but the spirit of one of the passages that I recollect was to the following purport，and thus did the teacher and his pupil proceed： Master．“Now，young man，have a care ；or I'll set you a swingeing task．”（A common phrase of his．） Pupil（making a sort of heavy bolt at his calamity，and neverremembering his stop at the word“Missionary”）．Missionary Can you see the wind？ （Master gives him a aslap on thehcheek．） Pupil（raising his voice to a cry，and still forgetting his stop）．“Indian No！” Master．“Zounds，young man！have a care how you provoke me！” Pupil（always forgetting the stop）．Missionary How then do you know that there is such a thing？” （Here a terrible thump．） Pupil（with a shout of agony）． Indian Because I feel it．” 15．诵读课 李·亨特 当年我有个同学，入学比常规的年龄要迟，而且几乎完全不会读书。那时有个学生用的阅读课本，叫做《传教士和印第安人的对话》。课本不怎么样，尽是不得要领的论说和一些老生常谈。那孩子常常手拿该课本出现在学校中央，身后站着教师。 授课即将开始。那可怜的学生的毛病在于他读音节时语调深沉地拖长腔并略去应有的停顿。他站立着，三心二意地看着书，一面向身子右边瞄去，因为打击将会来自那个方向。教师盯视着他，手已摆出了打人的架势。因为时隔已久，我的引述可能不很确切，但就我所忆，先生和学生的一次对话的要旨大致如下： 老师：“年轻人，小心点；要不我可要让你狠狠吃点苦头。”（这是他的口头禅。） 学生：（大难临头，身体猛然一摇闪，根本记不得在“传教士”一词后应该停顿。）“传教士你能看见风吗？” （教师扇了他一耳光。） 学生：（提高了嗓音，几乎是在哭喊，但仍不记得要停顿）“印第安人不能啊！” 教师：“该死！年轻人，小心点别惹我发火！” 学生：（一如既往漏掉停顿）“传教士那你怎么知道有这样一种东西呢？” （这时来了重重一击。） 学生：（痛苦地叫喊）“印第安人因为我感觉到了。” Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today． “It works like this，” she said．“Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance．”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns．“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flames．See？Bobby Burns！” “I see what you mean，” said the class know it all．“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning？” 14．诗人的名字 我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。 “这个系统是这样的，”她说。“假定你要记住一个诗人的名字——例如，要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字。”她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯。“让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象，燃烧着的警察。明白吗？警察燃烧！” “我明白你的意思，”班上的万事通说。“但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢？” Proctor（exceedingly angry）：“So you confess that this unfortunate freshman was carried to this frog pond and drenched？Now what part did you take in this disgraceful affair？” Soph．（meekly）：“The right leg，sir．” 13．右腿 学监（非常生气）：“现在你承认这可怜的新生被扔进这蛙池里，浑身湿透？那么你在这不光彩的事情里扮演了什么角色呢？” 二年级学生（恭顺地）：“右腿，先生。” Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation，and the doctor，somewhat nettled，said：“Landon，you don't seem to be getting on very fast in this subject．You seem to lack ambition．Why，at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world．” “Yes，” said Landon，“he couldn't help it，for you will recall the fact，doctor，that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher．” 12．亚历山大大帝 兰登作了一次不成功的朗诵。老师有点不悦，对他说道： “兰登，你在这门课上好像进步不大，你好像缺乏志向。亚历山大大帝在你这个年龄可已经征服了半个世界。” “是啊，”兰登说，“他没法不那样。博士先生，您回想一下史实，亚历山大大帝有亚里士多德做他的老师。” Professor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：“Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today．” A student，after reading the notice，rubbed out the“c”． Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the“l”． 11．“班”和“笨驴” 格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不会他的班。” 一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”。 后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”。 Billy and Bobby were small boys．They were brothers，and they often had fights with each other． Last Saturday their mother said to them，“I'm going to cook our lunch now．Go out and play in the garden—and be good．” “Yes，Mummy，” the two boys answered，and they went out． They played in the garden for half an hour，and then Billy ran into the kitchen．“Mummy，” he said，“Bobby's broken a window in Mrs．Allen's house．” Mrs．Allen was one of their neighbors． “He's a bad boy，”his mother said．“How did he break it？” “I threw a stone at him，” Billy answered，“and he quickly moved down．” 10．是他的错 比利和波比都是小男孩。他们是兄弟，两人经常打架。 上个星期六，他们的妈妈对他们说：“我现在要做午饭了。去，到花园去玩吧，别淘气。” “是，妈妈，”两个男孩回答，然后他们就出去了。 他们在花园里玩了半个小时，然后比利跑进了厨房。“妈妈，”他说：“波比打碎了艾伦太太家的窗玻璃。”艾伦太太是他们的邻居。 “他是个坏孩子，”他的妈妈说。“他是怎么把玻璃打碎的？” “我朝他扔了一块石子，”比利回答：“他赶紧蹲下。” Mr．and Mrs．Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat．Now Mrs．Taylor was expecting another child． Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too． One evening Mr．and Mrs．Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival．“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，”said Mr．Taylor． Pat came into the room just then and said，“What are you talking about？”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，”his mother answered． “ It's no use，”said Pat hopelessly．“ He'll follow us there．” 9．新生儿 泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩，名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。 帕特在别人家看见过婴儿，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满。 一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说：“有了婴儿，我们的房子就太小，不够住了。” 帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：“你们在说什么？”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。” “那没用，”帕特绝望地说。“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”

American humor comics

美式幽默英文演讲稿如下：A Boy and His Tree A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it every day. He climbed to the tree top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow… He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him. Time went by…The little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree. One day, the boy came back to the tree and looked sad. “Come and play with me,” the tree asked the boy. “I am no longer a kid, I don’t play around trees anymore.” The boy replied, “I want toys. I need money to buy them.” “Sorry, but I don’t have money…but you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you will have money.” The boy was so excited. He picked all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy didn’t come back after he picked the apples. The tree was sad. One day, the boy returned and the tree was so excited. “Come and play with me.” The tree said. “I don’t have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me?” “Sorry, but I don’t have a house. But you can cut off my branches to build your house.” So the boy cut all the branches of the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the boy didn’t appear since then. The tree was again lonely and sad. One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was delighted. “Come and play with me!” the tree said. “I am sad and getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat?” “Use my trunk to build the boat. You can sail and be happy.” So the boy cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and did not show up for a long time. Finally, the boy returned after he left for so many years. “Sorry, my boy. But I don’t have anything for you anymore. No more apples for you.” the tree said. “ I don’t have teeth to bite.” The boy replied. “ No more trunk for you to climb on.” “I am too old for that now.” the boy said. “I really want to give you something…the only thing left is my dying roots.” The tree said with tears. “I don’t need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years.” The boy replied. “Good! Old tree roots are the best place to lean on and rest. Come here, please sit down with me and have a rest.” The boy sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears… This is a story of everyone. The tree is our parent. When we were young, we loved to play with Mom and Dad… When we grow up, we leave them, and only come to them when we need something or when we are in trouble. No matter what, parents will always be there and give everything they could to make you happy. You may think that the boy is cruel to the tree but that's how all of us are treating our parents. 翻译如下：很久以前有一棵苹果树。一个小男孩每天都喜欢来到树旁玩耍。他爬到树顶，吃苹果，在树荫里打盹……他爱这棵树，树也爱和他一起玩。 随着时间的流逝，小男孩长大了。他不再到树旁玩耍了。 一天，男孩回到树旁，看起来很悲伤。“来和我玩吧！”树说。 “我不再是小孩了，我不会再到树下玩耍了。”男孩答到，“我想要玩具，我需要钱来买。” “很遗憾，我没有钱……但是你可以采摘我的所有苹果拿去卖。这样你就有钱了。”男孩很兴奋。他摘掉树上所有的苹果，然后高兴地离开了。自从那以后男孩没有回来。树很伤心。 一天，男孩回来了，树非常兴奋。“来和我玩吧。”树说。“我没有时间玩。我得为我的家庭工作。我们需要一个房子来遮风挡雨，你能帮我吗？”很遗憾，我没有房子。但是，你可以砍下我的树枝来建房。“因此，男孩砍下所有的树枝，高高兴兴地离开了。 看到他高兴，树也很高兴。但是，自从那时起男孩没再出现，树有孤独，伤心起来。 突然，在一个夏日，男孩回到树旁，树很高兴。“来和我玩吧！”树说。 “我很伤心，我开始老了。我想去航海放松自己。你能不能给我一条船？” “用我的树干去造一条船，你就能航海了，你会高兴的。”于是，男孩砍倒树干去造船。他航海去了，很长一段时间未露面。 许多年后男孩终于回来了。“很遗憾，我的孩子，我再也没有任何东西可以给你了。没有苹果给你……”树说。“我没有牙齿啃。” 男孩答到。“没有树干供你爬。”“现在我老了，爬不上去了。” 男孩说。“我真的想把一切都给你……我唯一剩下的东西是快要死去的树墩。” 树含着眼泪说。“现在，我不需要什么东西，只需要一个地方来休息。经过了这些年我太累了。”男孩答到。 “太好了！老树墩就是倚着休息的最好地方。过来，和我一起坐下休息吧。” 男孩坐下了，树很高兴，含泪而笑…… 这是一个发生在每一个人身上的故事。那棵树就像我们的父母。我们小的时候，喜欢和爸爸妈妈玩……长大后，便离开他们，只有在我们需要父母亲，或是遇到了困难的时候，才会回去找他们。尽管如此，父母却总是有求必应，为了我们的幸福，无私地奉献自己的一切。你也许觉得那个男孩很残忍，但我们何尝不是这样呢？

你是要纯喜剧吗？以下都是我自己整理的哈 没复制哈~不管你信不信 95%我很无厘头的剧情，有点不雅用语与画面，美国式幽默！！ BJ单身日记：不错

美国一些比较幽默的说法也许在日常生活中不是那么常见， 但如果在适当的时机使用，必可收画龙点睛之效。1. Is she big-boned?她是不是很魁梧啊?Big-bone看字面解释就知道是指骨架很粗大。这对美女(美国的女人) 来说是见怪不怪的。在电影Something about Mary中就有这一句，Is she big-boned?那娇小的女子怎么说? 娇小就是petite。很多从亚洲来女生来美国都抱怨买不到合适的衣服，其实很多店都有一区petite。去那里找找， 保证你会有意想不到的收获。若是真的找不到，就试试teenager那儿也有许多合适的衣服。2. We have a female shortage here.我们这里闹女人荒。如果你不幸念的是理工学院， 那男女比例自然是不均匀， 有一次连老美也不禁感叹道， We have a female shortage here。这样的说法是不是听来很特别? 其实根本就不只是female shortage而是 female drought。或是更夸张一点的讲法， We have a female extinction here。3. You are a freaking Yankee.你是怪怪的北方佬。老美彼此之间很喜欢拿对方的出生地作文章。因为南北的差异， 所以或多或少北方人看不起南方人，南方人也看不起北方人。Yankee 是南北战争时北军的士兵叫Yankee, 现在一般指北方佬。而freaking是说这人很怪，或者解释成怪胎也可以。不过，一定要注意，千万别念成"洋基"（可能是因为受到国内把Yankee翻译成 "洋基"的关系吧! ）。其实这个字应该是读成 "盐鸡" 还比较接近一点。4. I am laying low.我猫起来了。有一次问一个老美， How are you doing? 结果他回了一句I am laying low，弄得在场的老美都在笑～其实laying low就是说躲的低低的，怕被别人看到，就是想办法混就对了。事后老美解释说这句话其实没那么好笑， 主要是因为你听不懂， 大家才又觉得更好笑。5. I cut the cheese.我放屁了。一般人说放屁这个字都会用fart这个字， 但是cut the cheese也有放屁的意思在里面。为什么呢?因为大家想想切cheese时会发出什么声音? 是不是和放屁很像呢? 但是这样的用法似乎并不常用，在某部很烂的片子：Mysterious Man里听过一次。6. Do you go out with your gun loaded?你要带著你上膛的枪出门吗?此枪非彼枪。大家应该知道这里指的是什么样的 "枪", 这句也是看Something about Mary这部电影时学到的。使用时机就是有些男人出去跟女人约会， 满脑子想的就是如何跟她上床， 你要糗糗他， 就可以这么说 Do you go out with your gun loaded? She probably will get hurt。7. She is a big gossip.她是八卦夫人。Gossip指的就是八卦新闻， 但它也可以拿来形容一个人很八卦。所以She is a big gossip就是说她是个八卦夫人。或是你也可以说， She is gossipy。中文里讲的广播电台在美国倒是不常见，反而是有另一种说说 She is an information bureau (她是情报局) 也蛮有趣的。8. If the boys stare at you, they have guts to suckyourteeth!如果男生盯著你看， 他们就有胆亲你。这是在看电视Full House学来的， 是二个姐妹的对话， 这句话有三个地方觉的很棒， 第一个是stare at you, 就是指盯著人家看的意思， have guts 就是说有胆子的意思， (这是一个巧合， 中文英文说有胆子都是说有勇气的意思!)而最后一个 suck your teeth 则是指亲嘴的意思， 很有趣， 但是像这种句子是小孩子说的， 难登大雅之堂。亲嘴还有另外一个口语的用法： smooch 例如 I didn't smooch that girl last night。我昨晚没亲那个女孩。9. She is vertically challenged.她向她的身高挑战。这样的说法就是说人家很矮的意思， 但是是比较婉转 (political correctness) 的说法。什么什么challenged 就是说有某方面的障碍， 如mentally challenged就是说心智障碍， 也就是低能儿的意思。关于这个political correctness老美也常用， 不过中文并没有适当相对应的翻法。所谓的 political correctness就是说为了不得罪某一族群的人， 而在用辞上加以修饰， 让它听来不会歧视某一族群。例如 chairman这个字，可能会得罪某些女性主义者， 所以就发明了chairperson这个字。这样子的转变， 就可以算是 political correctness。10. Where can I dump these white elephants?这些无用的垃圾我要丢到哪里?比如说家中的286计算机用之无味， 弃之可惜， 放在那里一摆就是好几年，这种垃圾就叫white elephant。只是这样的说法真的很少见， 连老美都不一定知道 white elephant 是什么意思。不过有些人还是会这么用，曾听一个老美他说， The fountain is a white elephant. 意思是，这个喷水池真是废物。有些老美会在自家的庭院前办所谓的garage sale, 就是把一些家里很少用到的东西拿出来卖。有些人的告示上会写White elephant sale。如果你不知道white elephant指的是无用之物的话， 你可能会觉得蛮奇怪的，为什么有人在卖白大象呢?